Some years ago, Ghoul Skool, one of the mysterious creepers behind the found footage ensemble Everything is Terrible, thought they had run out of Christmas material. “We thought we were done with it. By the end of 2009 I thought we had really found it all,” said Skool. But then he added, “We hit the tip of the ice berg. You think you have a big mound but there’s a glacier underneath you.”
Based in Chicago, Everything is Terrible is the internet’s leading VHS loot bag. Having met at Ohio University and united by a love of crappy tapes, the founders created the site to share material after they went their separate ways. Today, Everything is Terrible is for everyone, regularly updating with not only footage from dusty tape cassette gems rescued from garage sales, pawn shops and closing rental stores, but surgically edited into their twisted, hilarious aesthetic. Amplifying the absurdity of a boy’s funky styles, a Bieber-looking puppet, a cat massaging woman and creepy un-televised kids show after creepy un-televised kids show, Everything is Terrible holds its own microcosm of rediscovered characters for weirdoes of the web to enjoy.
Since launching in 2007, their reach has expanded into feature-length DVDs made from their collection, live performances starting in 2009, and national tours starting soon after. They headline the annual Everything is Festival in Los Angeles, celebrating anything that falls under their peculiar umbrella, like Neil Hamburger, Mystery Science Theater 3000, the new b-movie big deal Miami Connection and even an Adventures of Pete & Pete reunion.
I caught Everything is Terrible during their 2010 tour. Members Future Schlock, Commodore Gilgamesh and Yonder Vittles blitzed across North America promoting 2Everything2Terrible2: Tokyo Drift, a lengthy video collage celebrating the coming apocalypse. Then, they dressed in mammoth monster masks, decadent robes and gold-painted VHS tapes dangling around their necks. Last time they were in town they dressed like dogs to commemorate DoggieWoggiez! PoochieWoochiez!, a recreation of Alejandro Jodorowsky’s The Holy Mountain using nothing but footage of dogs. “We’re very bad at subtlety,” says Skool. This yuletide season, the target of the group is none other than the holidays themselves. As it turns out, every day is Christmas in the universe of VHS.
“People always think we’re so anti-religion,” says Skool, “but honestly it’s just that there’s so much religious shit out there, they put out so much shitty content.” An overwhelming amount of VHS material is Christian oriented, and an even healthier portion dedicated to this the most magical time of year. “The Christians are much more prolific with this,” Vittles told me in 2010 when talking about Colby, a Christian faith dancing robot that sings songs when read passages from the bible. There appeared to be an undercurrent of Christian television, distributed exclusively through VHS tapes. Vittles sees this, and a lot of the other odd western culture encountered in their collection, as giving deeper importance to their anthropological archiving than just the uncontrollable laughs.
Ghoul Skool admits they would pick on other faiths equally if they had the chance. According to Skool, Jewish videos, like Shalom Sesame or Leonard Nimoy’s Lights, often have production values that are simply too nice to earn the same awkward scrutiny. Though, that’s not to say Chanukah doesn’t get its dues in the new DVD. In fact, there’s an entire chapter. “We finally found a little bit (of Jewish material). Torah Tots I’ve recently picked up in Fairfax, LA, which is a fairly Jewish neighbourhood.”
On Saturday night, Everything is Terrible’s elves took a dump on Lee’s Palace. The stage was smothered in fake snow and blinking lights. Presents and trees line glowed in the light, and a projector screen hung in the back, ready to reflect whatever holiday horrors were illuminated upon it. “We thought, ‘let’s make a winter wonderland,’” says Skool, and that a full stage set-up is an overdue first for them. “Our lights are a little janky… No they’re working. Christmas lights are naturally shitty. I think we’re doing our best. We’re bringing Christmas everywhere we go with us.”
The night begins with Tenderfoot, a klutzy abominable snow beast, lifted from one of their clips where the very same monster attempts to help elves with sleigh repairs. In the video, the elves tell Tenderfoot to take a hike as the monster makes matters worse, which begins as dopey but goes on so long it just becomes cruel. In real life, Tenderfoot tries not to trip over the projector wire. Meanwhile, other team Terrible members slither around the stage in black, full-body spandex to slip their hands into the asses of the appropriate puppets.
The collage is based on a shorter Christmas special they put together on a whim in 2009, debuting at LA’s Upright Citizens Brigade Theatre. “We were always happy with it,” says Skool, “but Commodore Gilgamesh and I thought, well it could be a little bit longer, it could be a full show.” That video has snowballed into the one this year, with rapping Ninja Turtles, little ballerina girls impressing the elderly, what appears to be a sketch comedy night for the KKK, a man wanting to know the connection between Santa’s elves and the Nazis, a montage of murderous Santas and a healthy serving of Henry Winkler’s turn as Ebenezer Scrooge.
The bookmarking on-stage narrative has to do with a weepy puppet child, whose entire family, circle of friends and household pets have recently died (another theme borrowed from the footage). His morality is then contested for by two talking Christmas trees, a cool hep one wearing shades who asserts that the true meaning of Christmas is rad presents and getting boners, the other, timidly lobbying the acceptance of Christ and the drinking of his blood. Both are corrected by Odin-Claus, who reveals that the true meaning of Christmas (SPOILER) is buying the Everything is Terrible Christmas special on DVD and possibly other wares.
The new year for Everything is Terrible looks to be a long but happy one. Back in the workshops, they have teamed up with the crew behind IFC’s Food Party for a web series titled Channel 2020. As for their next tour/DVD combo, Skool promises something based on audience participation, a VHS amalgamated, fantasy choose-your-own-adventure, tentatively titled Choose Your Own Destiny. “We love it when the audience is involved,” says Skool, “we love it.”
When I asked Ghoul Skool what he wanted from Santa, he answered a restful sleep, something he feels has been “nowhere to be seen” for the first leg of the tour. After a few more moments of reflection, he revises his answer, and says he hopes everyone enjoys the holiday special. “Merry Christmas, America.”
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Zack Kotzer is a freelance nerd in Toronto, and the assistant editor of Steel Bananas. Tweet him, if you dare @KingFranknstein.
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