David Letterman sucks so much!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

He’s a high-strung schmuck with no friends. Also, he’s a loser. He’s also really really bad at talking to people, so why is he a talk-show host? Remember when he cheated on his wife with an intern? Only the most pathetic people on Earth cheat on their wives with interns. Get a hooker at the very least. Ugh, he’s so gross!!!!!! His glasses suck and he definitely jerks off looking at himself in the mirror. Ew, I hate even spending my energy talking about him. It’s making me so angry. The only way I could ever like him would be if he just maxed out and starting smoking fat blunts… Um, Geoff just showed me Lettermon… I suddenly feel much more relaxed… Letterman seems like a pretty chill dude… [insert air horn here] Yu black up teday, boasin tone? Yu num fi du dat.

Jessica Carroll is Toronto Standard’s editorial assistant. She’s really pretty and writes a daily column about stuff she thinks is funny/weird on the internet. She tweets at @jssckr.