If Miss America were a ghost, she’d be an ectoplasmic mist.

If Miss America were an animal, she’d be an albino peacock. 

If Miss America were a piece of technology, she’d be the Windows Phone 7.

If Miss America were an exercise, she’d be Zumba. 

If Miss America were a cheese, she’d be boursin. 

If Miss America were a colour, she’d be Palest Pistachio. 

If Miss America were an infection, she’d be a UTI. 

If Miss America were a shoe store, she’d be Browns. 

If Miss America were a Halloween costume, she’d be a sexy bee. 

If Miss America were a Mad Men character, she’d be Betty. Duh.

If Miss America were my mother, I’d probably have a lot of issues.

[Covers from the Miss America pageants – via These Americans]

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…Jessica Carroll is the Toronto Standard’s “Best Thing on the Internet Today” columnist. Follow her on Twitter at @jssckr.

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