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International Cable: Chavez Thinks the CIA Gave Him (And Other Leftists) Cancer
... Okay.

Venezuelan President Hugo Chavez has accused the United States of giving him cancer. Moreover, he also believes the United States is responsible for giving cancer to the leftist leaders of three other South American countries: Cristina Fernandez of Argentina, Paraguay’s Fernando Lugo, Brazil’s Dilma Rousseff and former Brazilian leader Luiz Inacio Lula da Silva have all been diagnosed recently with cancer.

After a conversation with Cuban dictator Fidel Castro, Chavez was told to be weary of the U.S. using technology to infect him with cancer, demonstrating a complete ignorance for how cancer actually works.

“Murder as a way of removing unwanted politicians has been always practiced by the Empire [the United States],” Chavez noted. “I have no proof, and yet it is obvious that there is something strange with progressive politicians in Latin America.”

Chavez maintains that the “law of probabilities” would make it impossible for four South American lefties to all develop cancer at the same time. “It would not be strange if they had developed the technology to induce cancer and nobody knew about it until now,” Chavez said in a televised speech to troops at a military base.

“I don’t know,” he added. “I’m just reflecting.” Just thinking out loud. On camera.

Andrew Reeves writes Toronto Standard’s Morning Cable. Follow him on Twitter at @reevesreport.

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