Misanthrope, provocateur, inspiration to scary guys in the back of creative writing classes, French novelist Michel Houellebecq went missing last week before the start of a European reading tour. Just as the social medias were worked into a frenzy, his publicist announced that Houellebecq had been found—he had simply forgot about his reading appearances. It’s an all too easy answer, which got me thinking about the real reasons for his disappearance.
1. Houellebecq had gone on a “watch people die on the streets” walking tour with Ron Paul.
2. Houellebecq had infiltrated a clique of mean girls in order to get revenge against them but in the end he too became mean.
3. Houellebecq was working for days on a script treatment about a great white shark and the three men stalking it—one of whom, in a diabolical turn, cannot swim—before Houellebecq thought to Google the idea.
4. Houellebecq was shopping for sexy shirts with Bernard-Henri Lvy.
5. Houellebecq had joined The Fall for three days.
6. Houellebecq was on Anderson Cooper’s new talk show but no one was watching.
7. Who’s got two thumbs and Hanna Gadhafi’s phone number? Michel Houellebecq does.
8. Houellebecq was involved in a days-long Wikipedia editor battle over the article on metal umlauts.
9. Houellebecq was transported to fairyland, where time stops. He realized it was a trap but it was too late to save his grandfather, who had already eaten the light fruit.
10. Houellebecq actually showed up for his events. It’s just that they were all at Borders stores.
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Brian Joseph Davis is Toronto Standard’s Book Critic. He also is the author of Portable Altamont and I, Tania, and co-founder of the literary website Joyland.
