A goth up a tree

I hear that as a proponent of the Goth persuasion, there are certain specifications you must meet to earn your title as “Goth.”

1) One must wear the darkest lipstick and eyeliner possible to appear as though you’ve risen from the dead, or at least the near-dead.

2) One must act out elaborate dance sequences in suburban parks.

3) One must allow only the shadows of Modernist cement sprawls shelter you from the uncomfortable sun.

4) One must indulge in various aesthetic trends, most notably platform boots and clothing with bondage straps. Alternatives include: patent leather, fishnet, studs, rubber, and velvet.

Or fucking not!!!! I smell a new phenomenon, and it ain’t what you think. Any handle I once had on the species of subculture that is the “Goth” has now disappeared into very foggy, bleak, thin air with Goths Up Trees, the Tumblr that offers photos of just what it sounds like it does. One scroll reveals not only that Goths like the outdoors, but that Goths also like perching in whimsical-looking trees.

What’s so insane about this, you ask? That these mystical Goth beings leave their bedrooms at all blows my mind, but then that they are capable of hoisting their pale, anti-depressant riddled bodies up into trees is next-level astounding. I thought Goths weren’t supposed to exert themselves at all? Like, don’t they all have asthma? Whatever. Goths, you’re weird, but I’m secretly kind of into you.