Fuller lips. Longer eyelashes. Non-chip nail polish. Streak-free self tanner. Unbreakable hair. How many more lies will we allow beauty companies to tell us? I can sit here and write and pretend like I never fall for the gimmicks and empty promises, but the truth is, I usually do. In fact, this gal might have once used a shampoo meant for horses because someone told her it would make her hair grow faster. Just maybe.
When I clean out my makeup box, I’m stunned by how much money I’ve wasted on products that have promised something and failed to deliver. For your entertainment (as well as I’m sure my mother’s horror), here are a few products that will never be worth their price tag.
Broadway Nails ImPress Manicure
Remember those nail art stickers from elementary school? They’re back, a little sturdier, and are being called a “press on manicures.” I recently bought a pack of these and they actually lasted less than four hours. You clean your nails, unpeel the fake ones, and then press them on. Easy right? Except obviously they’re not going to be made-to-measure like salon applied nails. After a couple hours, the nails started to slowly unpeel from my fingertips until I couldn’t stand to look at them anymore and just removed them.
Too Faced Lip Injections Lip Gloss
Okay, maybe this product is able to do what it says it can. But at what cost? This clear gloss says it has blood vessel-dilating technology but just what exactly does that mean? It means that when you put the gloss on your poor, unsuspecting lips, an intense burning sensation comes over them. This gloss literally burns your lips until they’re swollen… and then uses ‘lusciously full’ as a euphemism to describe the condition. After testing this gloss out, I would have used sandpaper to get it off.
ColorOn Pro Eyeshadow Stickers
I’ll be honest, the release of these pads with full eye makeup that simply rolls onto your eyelids had me excited at first. I use a grand total of three makeup products on a daily basis, and I’m not even slightly an expert with those. So when I heard that there was a new easy way to get perfect smoky eye (or leopard print eye, peacock feather eye, etc.), I jumped for it. Unfortunately, if the pad slips, you’re screwed. If you touch your eye at any point, you’re screwed. If your eyeball isn’t the exact perfect shape for the pads, you’re screwed.
L’Oreal True Match Roller Foundation
Who in their right mind would want to treat their skin like a wall of their house? This gal, apparently. The product has a tiny roller brush for you to roll the foundation on with, which does absolutely nothing for an even tone, but does make the wearer feel just a little more like an idiot. Unlike with a brush or sponge, the roller globs on foundation leaving you looking like a professional drag performer. The coverage is so damn thick, you’d think you were wearing a ski mask throughout the day.
Any Mascara That Says It’ll Elongate Your Lashes
Trust me, I’ve tried them all. My makeup box is a graveyard of mascara wands that I tossed aside after a dismal performace. MAC False Lashes, Maybelline Lash Stiletto, CoverGirl Lash Blast, Rimmel Lash Extender… I could go on. All disappointments. These products have girls everywhere in front of mirrors, applying coat after coat, hoping that just maybe their puny lashes will be magically tranformed. All in vain I tell you. The one and only mascara that has ever impressed me was L’Oreal’s Double Extend with actual tips added on you can see when you remove your makeup.
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Bianca Teixeira writes about style for Toronto Standard. Follow her on Twitter at @BeeLauraTee.
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