Anyone can adjust what’s on the runway for use in their everyday wardrobe. Obviously this can be easily applied to an office setting and this is destined for a big night out with the boys, but what do you wear when things turn–as they so often do–completely to shit? This column is here to help. Welcome to Runway to (Shit Just Got) Real Life. You’re welcome in advance.
What to wear to: Your remorseful tell-all interview
You’ve fucked up big time, and now it’s your moment to redeem yourself. Your tearful apology/heartfelt confession/quietly dignified total breakdown is going to be televised, scrutinized, tumbled and tweeted, and it’s your fault for participating in the affair that broke up One Direction/betraying your fans/doing drugs directly off of Rob Ford’s butt (imagine) and instagramming it (WHY). You’ve got some ‘splainin to do, and your friend Fashion is here to help you express yourself. Here’s what to wear while you avoid direct eye contact and rack your brain for euphemisms for “completely illegal substances.”
Low-key hair and makeup
Gents, nothing says “I wasn’t sexting my underage intern and even if I was I recognize now that Snapchat is a better forum than Gchat,” like a few days of stress-stubble. Ladies, now is not the time for a dramatic cat eye–unless you plan to weep the whole thing off over the course of the interview, in which case, RESPECT and proceed. Take a cue from Elie Saab and Michael Kors at the most recent New York Fashion Week: a low pony is the humblest ‘do there is. “I feel lower than my ponytail is right now, ie. extremely low,” you can say, as an opener. Alternatively, shave your head like an Ancient Greek mourner, or Lance Armstrong’s Oprah interview steez. (Or Britney Spears in 2007, I would forgive that poor creature anything.)
I know spring is just around the corner and everyone is telling you to include a “pop of colour” in your sartorial self-expression, and I’m sure the slow, creeping end of winter means you’re desperate to get out of neutral tones and into some summer brights– but you should have thought of that before you maimed Jennifer Lawrence in a horrible butt-accident. She may never wear yoga pants again; keep things appropriately dark and moody.
Make sure your clothing is simple and relatable. Everyone makes a plain white t-shirt, so wear your Joe Fresh iteration instead of this $630 Alexander Wang take. (No one feels bad for a woman in Wang.) You can also use fashion as metaphor, layering up to illustrate the complex layers of your own personality. As your interrogation progresses, start to shed your beige-scale coverings like an onion. As you slip each one off, begin to weep, as though cutting through that onion. Try not to arrive at the interview reeking of onions.
Get cilicium-chic for 2013. Medieval hair shirts are SO hot right now. …And all the time, they make the wearer uncomfortably itchy and warm as a form of bodily mortification, a Christian practice in which sinners made themselves uncomfortable for long stretches of time as a form of penance. Those of you who prefer angora to sackcloth can flash the camera some worry beads, a Greek and Cypriot emblem that you’ve been up late stressing, not up late snorting lines of crushed candy you stole from a baby.
Remember, if you form bad habits, you’ll end up in bad habits. Dress smart and play smart, babies! Until next time.
Monica Heisey is a writer and comedian from Toronto. She has also written for VICE, Huffington Post, and She Does the City. Follow her on Twitter @monicaheisey.