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Runway to (Things Just Got) Real Life: What to Wear for On-Notice Nudity
Monica Heisey provides style tips for life's lesser moments

Anyone can adjust what’s on the runway for use in their everyday wardrobe. Obviously this ain’t nothin’ but a breezy facial homage to one of the most famous space bathing suits in costume history, and this is the perfect rebuttal to all those cat lady accusations you’ve been getting, but what do you wear when things turn–as they so often do–completely to shit? This column is here to help. Welcome to Runway to (Things Just Got) Real Life. You’re welcome in advance.
 

What to wear for: On-notice nudity

Alright, enough messing around. It is late July. We’ve all settled into Summer. Summer is our old flame who we still love as much as we ever did, but we don’t wake up every day surprised and overjoyed that it’s still here. Don’t get me wrong, Summer is as hot and exciting as ever, and we should all cherish every patio brunch and each new, potentially cancerous freckle that we’re going to obsess over for a few days before completely forgetting about, but it can occasionally feel like we’re missing the spark of early June. What to do to reignite Summer love? Why, get naked of course! Skinny dipping gets a lot of the glory, but a nice thing about July weather is that it’s hot enough that you basically never need to put clothes on. And you never know when the need to nude (N2N) will strike. So how to go from regular Jane to “being topless in a public park is perfectly legal, thank you officer, it is called gender equality LOOK IT UP?” Right this way.

Protect your birthday suit
Airing out the parts of your body normally kept under wraps can lead to sand and sun in places you’d rather not have either. And your birthday suit can’t be dry cleaned, you know what I mean? Keep things aging nicely and unchafed by moisturizing with an SPF of 30 or higher. If you plan to be playing strip chess in the sun, just know that you’ll need to reapply after you get sweaty. 

Let it Slide
Is it just me or are these things back with a vengeance? Any why shouldn’t they be! They’re ideal for getting barefoot on the immediate, which is I’m pretty sure what the waves crashing opening sequence of Grease was about. Airing out your bod is not all about mooning the mean girls’ cabin at camp. Sometimes it’s as simple as letting the breeze rustle your toe ring. Adidas or Nike are classic slides, but no one would begrudge you an even cheaper pair. Your shoeless days are numbered, make the most of it! (NB: if you take your shoes off on the subway you are making us all look bad. Keep it on the dock or the beach or whatever.)
 
E-Z On, E-Z Off
Adidas really wants to keep things casual and slip-off, apparently, as they are responsible not only for slides but for the leading cause of underage pantlessness in Canada in 1998: tearaway pants. Remember tearaways!? (Rhetorical.You do. Jason Hadley tore away your dignity but not your memory when he pantsed you during grade eight first recess.) Dig these out of storage and apply over top of a bathing suit for a fun and revelatory Full Monty effect the next time someone casually mentions swimming. If you for some reason do not have your old pair in a box somewhere “collecting value” with your limited edition beanie babies and Kangol caps, you can try the aging heiress version of tearaways–a casual sarong. Channel the days when American Apparel wanted us all to believe you could wear those halter dresses 4897 different ways and wrap yourself up like a Christmas-in-July present, then unleash when the time is right (before sunset, after margaritas). Basically anything that fastens exclusively with ties is ideal for a game of spontaneous strip poker or a casual skinny dip. 
 
Pervin’ specs
A perv’s gotta perv, right? Don’t get caught by popping some dark shades over your peepers. Oldest trick in the perv book. Just keep it together and perv only where some mild and well-mannered perving is appropriate. Co-ed beach party: cool. Family cottage: deeply uncool. Your neighbour’s trampoline: come on, y’all. Discretion. The bigger and darker the shades, the bolder you can be with your wanderin’ eyes. Plus how badass would it look to be full nuders but with sunglasses on? (We seem to be dealing mainly in rhetorical asks this week, but I think they’re proving their point. #letsgetnaked #robinthickehasabigdick)
 
I’m almost 100% positive that is not what the boy scouts had in mind when coining it, but their “Be Prepared” motto applies just as well to a campfire pit as it does to a… naked campfire pit. Be careful out there, my lieblings, and remember if nudity is suggested to make sure everyone else is following (birthday) suit. Group naked = fun summer-y time. Solo naked = scary flasher who is no longer welcome at the pool. 

____

Monica Heisey is a writer and comedian from Toronto. She has also written for VICE, Huffington Post, and She Does the City. Follow her on Twitter @monicaheisey

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