Well, that was short-lived. Remember how bright-eyed and hopeful I was about that temping gig? Hopeful enough to write an article presuming an ability to work a regular person’s hours for at least two consecutive weeks without dying. I thought I was sooooo clever, getting a job for a brief amount of time and then running off into the night with some extra income after some hard graft. And it was a great idea… until I remembered I am terrible at office work, perpetually late for everything, and was considering suicide on my morning commute by day two. Long story short: it didn’t last. What a nightmare I truly am. Anyway, here’s what to wear to be dishonourably discharged from productive society.

 

Show ’em what they’ll be missing by wearing your Ally McBeal finest. Consider a tie and vest combo (v. profesh) made from extra copies of your CV and cover letter that you made while you were supposed to be filing things. Distribute a few of these while loudly telling people dressed like Bosses (scariest guys of each level, like in a video game) that you are a team player who LOVES to lead but is equally happy following when necessary. Remember that peplum thing we talked about last week? Now’s the time.

 

Okay, maybe you’ve been a terrible employee. After all, you saw this coming enough to dress for it specifically. But whatever you’ve been up to–stealing pens, Craigslisting from work computers, large-scale embezzlement–is in the past now, and it’s time to make the job of “letting you go” the hardest part of your supervisor’s day. They’re the ones with the steady, reliable income stream, after all. Start with a glowy, youthful complexion and big, sad eyes. Maybe do some sort of halo effect with jewelry/your hair/a very obliging former colleague and a desk lamp. Dress in virginal whites or stark, poor-person greys, like an old-timey prison uniform or leftover Mr. Noodles water or an unemployement insurance payment envelope. Wah wahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh. 

 

As if leaving this job is something you’d cry over. As if  your jerk boss has that kind of power over you. As IFFFFFFFFF. But just in case, should you suddenly and unexpectedly get a fleck of something in both eyes at once for an extended period of time, pop on some waterproof mascara. Heck, bring some big sunglasses and a glamorous scarf with you and go full incognito-Bardot whlie leaving the office. [Related: I have been googling the phrase “never let them see you cry” for roughly three minutes now, trying to attribute the quote to someone, but have found nothing and have given up. It is that can’t/won’t attitude that really makes me an ideal candidate for being fired.]

 

Well, you’re fired. Time to go dancing, right? Have a slinky party dress in your bag so you can change our of your firing-attire (atfire?) and head immediately to The Club to drown your sorrows w/ money and confidence you don’t have and can’t afford to be spending! I was going to suggest simply popping on some lipstick and taking off your work jacket before heading out to cocktails but then I remembered I am not a HORRIBLE LIAR. The greatest trick the devil ever pulled was convincing legions of women that they could “take their look from day to night” with the addition or removal of a blazer. You can’t. Change in the cab. 

 

Now repeat after me: “A talk in your office? Whatever about? Can I just finish up this important work document first? I’m so committed to my role here.” Byeeeeeeeeee!

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Monica Heisey is a writer and comedian from Toronto. She has also written for VICE, Huffington Post, and She Does the City. Follow her on Twitter @monicaheisey. 

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