November 21, 2017
June 21, 2015
#apps4TO Kicks Off + the week in TO innovation and biz:
Microbiz of the Weekend: Pizza Rovente
June 18, 2015
Amy Schumer, and a long winter nap.
October 30, 2014
Vice and Rogers are partnering to bring a Vice TV network to Canada
John Tory gets a parody Twitter account
Runway to (Things Just Got) Real Life: What to Wear to Your Sadness Cave
Monica Heisey provides style tips for life's lesser moments

Anyone can adjust what’s on the runway for use in their everyday wardrobe. Obviously this is a ready-to-wear piece destined for Androgynous Fridays at your new media workplace and this is, but what do you wear when things turn–as they so often do–completely to shit? This column is here to help. Welcome to Runway to (Things Just Got) Real Life. You’re welcome in advance.

What to Wear to: Your sadness cave

Boo hoo to you, life has been very hard. Maybe for big reasons (the loss of a friend or family member, a bad break up, THIS economy) or maybe for not so big ones  (your self esteem hurts, you just watched the first ten minutes of UP, you stubbed something), but legitimate reasons never stopped a sad person from just being straight up so sad about whatever, and it’s certainly not going to stop you now. While eventually you know you will have to pick yourself up, dust yourself off, and get back out there, eventually is not now. Now is time for the cave. The sadness cave. Pile some pillows around you, fill up a hot water bottle or twelve, bust out the Ben & Jerry’s and get ready to watch You’ve Got Mail a 28th time because it’s a Wednesday night baby, and you’re [barely] alive. But what to wear as your sadness shroud? Read on.

Dark colours

These are important for the following reasons:  spills, drool, Johnny Depp, The Craft, Hamlet, grease stains, sweat stains, takeaway food, flattering contours, “these aren’t pyjamas.” Dark colours can hide a multitude of stains, and adequately reflect your mood to those around you, a la Hamlet and his emo all-black duds. Ask yourself: WWADJ (What Would Adele Wear Jogging?) (Honestly if anyone ever makes a fat joke about Adele ever again I’m gonna explode.)

Onesie, onesie, what have I donesie

You know what they say: regret is a dish best served with one long zipper. 

Edible accessories 

Forget the mini-totes and prim shoulder bags and ornamental clutches of the fall/winter runways. This season the only hand + bag combo you need is your hand + a bag of Cheetos. It’s more affordable than Chanel but will make you think of Karl Lagerfeld. If you’re looking for something more Louis Vuitton, I think you’ll find that Doritos are basically shaped like crunchy Vs.

Robe and slippies

Buster Bluth knows what’s up. For a night in with your hot foreign boyfriend, Shiraz, there is no greater outfit than a robe and slippers. If you have to, you can pretend you are getting in on this season’s oversized, furry outerwear trends in a giant leopard robe. And Psst… you know who makes great slippers? UGG. Did you know that? Did you possibly guess it because everyone wearing those “boots” is in full denial about a) their function and b) what year it is? Indoors and dry they are LOVELY on the feet, though. 

Life is hard, fashion’s not. Please remember to bathe. 

____

Monica Heisey is a writer and comedian from Toronto. She has also written for VICE, Huffington Post, and She Does the City. Follow her on Twitter @monicaheisey

For more, follow us on Twitter at @TorontoStandard and subscribe to our newsletter.

  • TOP STORIES
  • MOST COMMENTED
  • RECENT
  • No article found.
  • By TS Editors
    October 31st, 2014
    Uncategorized A note on the future of Toronto Standard
    Read More
    By Igor Bonifacic
    October 30th, 2014
    Culture Vice and Rogers are partnering to bring a Vice TV network to Canada
    Read More
    By Igor Bonifacic
    October 30th, 2014
    Editors Pick John Tory gets a parody Twitter account
    Read More
    By Igor Bonifacic
    October 29th, 2014
    Culture Marvel marks National Cat Day with a series of cats dressed up as its iconic superheroes
    Read More

    SOCIETY SNAPS

    Society Snaps: Eric S. Margolis Foundation Launch

    Kristin Davis moved Toronto's philanthroists to tears ... then sent them all home with a baby elephant - Read More