Don’t get me wrong; I love couples. I’m a dating and relationship columnist, so obviously the thought of a happy, loving pair is thrilling to me. And I actually love doing couply stuff; dinner parties, day trips, beer pong, etc. Great couples are great to be around. But very few things are more annoying than an annoying couple.
Like anything else, this is a matter of perspectives and preferences. But much like Kathy Griffin, there are just some people that most of us can only take in very small doses. If you read some of these below and think, “But that’s our thing!”, I sincerely apologize for any discomfort I may be causing. So to avoid inflicting similar discomfort on the rest of us, perhaps you could tone it down a bit?
The “One of Us Is Usually Too Drunk” Couple (pictured above)
Kids or no kids, this couple almost always needs a babysitter. Sometimes it’s weddings, sometimes it’s birthdays, and sometimes it’s Tuesdays. Whatever the occasion, making it past 12:30am without an abrupt, apologetic exit is a miracle for these two. And no matter how many times they do it, their 0-60 is so fast you rarely see it coming. All you can hope is that everyone holds in their dinner. Or more importantly, their insults…
The “Jabbing and Fighting in Public” Couple
If cats and dogs actually behaved like this in public, we’d never want to hang out with them. But we do. So these people are worse. The brutal part is that they rarely bring out the petty artillery, like tardiness or bathroom etiquette. It’s usually nuclear supplies like being selfish or misconduct with exes. But even a stern jab like, “Oh, they never listen to me when I talk”—while pretending their partner is not right there—is more than we all care to hear in the social context. We might wear the odd striped shirt, but we’re not referees.
The “Holiday Card” Couple
Unless they just moved to the Yukon and gave birth to a super-cute-genius-baby, we’re perfectly happy getting a text message that reads, “Happy Holidays; we’re still together”. We love that they’re in love, but seriously, if they keep up the flyering, they’re a few “moments” away from junk-mail status. And it’s not just about us, people. It’s about the environment. Even the trees want them to stop.
The “P is for ‘Pornography’ in Our PDA” Couple
It’s one thing to show each other love with a dab of public affection. It’s quite another sit three feet away from people and clean each other’s gums. And have you heard these people? They sound like a horse eating taffy. We don’t want to discourage “free” love, but if these two keep it up, they’re going to have to start charging admission. Everyone should keep it hot and keep it heavy. But unless someone is about to go to jail, they also need to keep it in the bedroom…or at least a car, or something.
The “Painfully Obsessed with Our Home Renovation” Couple
OH MY GOD STOP TALKING ABOUT YOUR KITCHEN. We get that people are excited about the next stage of their lives, that they love projects and that they’ve always wanted deep sinks. But most of us, when it comes to reno-tales just need the bullet points. Contractors can be frustrating and there are a million tiny decisions to make, but it’s best if these two make those decisions without us. Tips and tricks, sure—pass those along. But if we ask, “How are the renovations going?” we usually just want to know, “Is it done yet?”
The “Everything Is Always So Incredibly Awesome Between Us” Couple
We just saw these two get in a fight about table-manners, so there’s no way they had that much fun putting together a bookshelf and buying snow tires last Sunday. And sorry—we don’t buy that anyone is “excited” to go shopping with their mother-in-law. Nobody likes a Negative Nancy, but sometimes a Chipper Charlie is just as annoying, especially when it’s obvious that, just like for the rest of us, it’s not all goodie goodie gumdrops. We love it when people are happy together, and we want them to stay positive. We just need them to dial back the High-Tens to a good, solid High-Five.
The “Let’s Post Everything We Do On Social Media” Couple
To these couples, on behalf of the rest of us: Do we look like your mother? Wait. Don’t answer that. ARE we your mother? Right. So while it’s great that you two had red wine in the park and one of you fed a duck, you are welcome to save the thorough documentation for Thanksgiving dinner. We believe you; you did stuff together. And that’s very important. But unless you just adopted an abandoned child from Vietnam, you should probably give your thumbs a rest and enjoy your together-time together.
Tune in next week for the seven most refreshing kinds of couples.
Benjamin Mann is Toronto’s Standard dating columnist. Follow him on Twitter.