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Future Headlines: Fallout from the Plastic Bag Ban
We break out our crystal ball to see what kind of news stories we can expect as a result of this divisive decision

Endangered Species

This week, Toronto City Council unexpectedly voted to ban retail stores from providing single use plastic bags to customers. Some heralded the move as a progressive step forward while others lambasted as poor, hastily made policy. It’s a controversial issue that is sure spark lots of debate, so we here at Toronto Standard broke out our crystal ball to see what kind of news stories we can expect to read about this issue in the future.

September 20, 2012

DAVID SHINER ASSASSINATION ATTEMPT FOILED BY FLIMSY PLASTIC BAG

A suspect is in custody tonight after his attempt to asphyxiate City Councilor David Shiner failed when the plastic bag he was using ripped in half. Shiner told reporters he was ‘shaken but fine’ after the attack which was apparently motivated by Shiner’s role in the City’s decision to ban plastic bags. “He got the bag over my head but I could breathe just fine, it was full of holes. He tried to pull it tighter but it immediately just fell to pieces.”

December 27, 2012

HOARDER CAN’T FIND BAG BIG ENOUGH TO PUT OTHER BAGS IN

With the impending ban on plastic bags inching ever closer, Toronto resident Carl ‘Slim’ Hutchens has been hoarding every plastic bag he can lay his hands on. The only problem: Where’s he going to put them? “Used to be you could keep all your plastic bags in one or two regular size plastic bags. But now, even the extra large Wal-Mart bags can’t handle the volume I’m dealing with.”

January 2, 2013

500 MILLION SURPLUS PLASTIC BAGS DUMPED INTO OCEAN

No longer allowed to distribute bags at Toronto area retail outlets, producers of plastic bags were forced to throw away half a billion bags directly into the ocean. A spokesperson for the plastic industry expressed relief that the bags made it to their final resting place even without being used for their ostensible purpose. “By cutting out the middlemen, we’ll actual be able to reach our goal of total plastic saturation more efficiently.”

August 22, 2013

BAN ON PLASTIC BAGS FAILS TO PREVENT GLOBAL WARMING

Amateur meteorologist and internet commenter Andrew Bareck says that unseasonably low summer temperatures prove that the environment is fine and the ban on plastic bags was a failed experiment. “The great thing about science is that I totally understand it.”

October 3, 2013

IRATE COLUMNIST FORGETS CLOTH BAG AGAIN

New reports suggest that a human newspaper columnist was “hurling invectives” at nobody in particular when she realized she had forgotten her reusable cloth bag at home again. At press time, said columnist was “pounding the shit out of her keyboard,” writing a scathing editorial blasting city councilors for their lack of forethought.

November 29, 2013

CITY SUED BY ANGRY DOG OWNER ASSOCIATION

Pooch Owner Order of Plastic (POOP) have brought a class action suit against the City of Toronto claiming the ban on plastic bags is an affront to their dignityby forcing them to use their hands to pick up after their dogs. “We’d like the city to lift the ban and just wash our hands clean of this whole mess.”

March 6, 2014

INSIDE THE PLASTIC BAG BLACK MARKET

She leads me to the back of her Chinatown shop and opens a hidden door. Lining the walls are thousands of contraband plastic bags. Shopper’s Paradise. All the big names are there: Loblaws, No Frills, LCBO, Shoppers Drug Mart. 15 cents each. I don’t have to ask to know that I won’t be getting a receipt.

May 9th, 2014

PLASTIC BAG BAN SPARKS TAXPAYER REVOLT

Thousands of raving lunatics descended on city hall yesterday demanding that the city waste their tax dollars according to their ideology and no other way. “We reserve the right to determine how our tax dollars are spent, and we want to spend them to pay some kid to fish plastic bags out of storm sewers.”

October 22, 2014

ROB FORD WINS RE-ELECTION, LIFTS BAG BAN

Giving into petty pandering and sloaganeering, Torontonians re-elected Ford by a huge margin thanks in part for his promises to bring back the bag and “catch all the bad guys.” In an interview, Ford’s campaign manager said, “There were a lot of garbage politicians on council, but we took out the trash in a plastic bag.”

____

Michael Kolberg is The Sprawl Editor at Toronto Standard. Follow him on Twitter for jokes @mikeykolberg

For more, follow us on Twitter at @torontostandard and subscribe to our Newsletter.

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