If you’re like me, you learned about sex the hard way: by doing it. I grew up with Catholic guilt, worrying that I would get hit by lightning after I wanked myself to sleep under my Holly Hobby covers. Despite my parents not being Catholic and chasing each other around the house afterhours, I never got one word of “the talk.” Instead, I was left to figure out my burgeoning sexuality on my own. Thank Christ I didn’t grow up in the internet age and that my sex education manuals were merely old Playboys and a quickly viewed copy of Insatiable.
My formative sexual years were pretty basic. Experiences included mostly vanilla-type stuff, with the odd silk tie lashed to the bedpost and my first anal scene being in the front passenger seat of a Camaro (I know you’re jealous). It wasn’t until my twenties when I started to realize that my fantasies could and should become more than smutty imaginings locked at the back of my brain. Unfortunately, my partner at the time wasn’t too keen on exploring anything beyond the silk ties. When we once encountered a plastic bag on the street with a copy of Juggs in it, I immediately grabbed it and he was aghast. Of course I took it home, but I was left to leaf through it secretly on my own time. He was repressed in many aspects of his life, and sex was merely another casualty.
Flash forward a couple years to a new adventurous partner and the blossoming of my sexuality. Having open communication about sex is as vital to your overall health as breathing, and my then-boyfriend-now-husband and I have created a relationship that reaps many a benefit of such a robust sex life.
When you’ve got a partner that is willing to try new things, the whole world opens up to you. I’ve since had the privilege of being able to experience sex freely in myriad ways. Whether it be through physical dalliances or literature or media or conversation or activism, I’ve learned quite a bit. I’ve learned about giving pleasure to myself, about pleasing others, about the various sexual identities that go beyond the typical heteronormative binaries, about porn, about how pleasure can manifest itself (hint: it’s not always in the money shot). Notwithstanding a few bad experiences, and a couple really bad ones, I’ve come away fairly unscathed in my sexual education. Not that I am unsatisfied (quite the contrary), but I’m like a kid in a candy store, hopped up on Pop Rocks: I want MORE. Surely there’s a billion things I don’t know of, haven’t even heard of, can improve upon, or can never even imagine (though I am now of the mind that if something is physically possible, it’s been done. And there’s probably porn about it. See Rule 34 of the internet).
Being somewhat of a snob and enjoying quite readily my current proclivities, I’ve never felt the need to attend a sexuality workshop (Why would I need to learn how to give a blowjob?). But one thing about being a sex positivity advocate means realizing I can always learn something new. Luckily for me and for you, Toronto has a plethora of such workshops, run by many of the amazing folks in the local sex scene.
Wanna know how to suck better cock/clit? How ‘bout how far to shove your fist up somebody’s anus without hurting them? What about having sex without orgasm? How to be a good Top or Bottom? Want to know how to tie someone up safely? Curious about power dynamics? How to get to that evasive G-spot or P-spot?
Maybe that’s too advanced for you. Maybe you just need to start with the basics and work your way up. God knows, there’s a lot of people who need a refresher in the basics. Start with flirting, talking, kissing. There are even workshops to help you just be comfortable with yourself, and we all need that as a good base for anything that comes in a big wet mess after.
Whatever your curiosity, you’ll likely find something in our fair city to turn your crank. There are two leaders in Toronto when it comes to sexuality workshops, and they invite a slew of amazing sex educators like Carrie Gray, Lorraine Hewitt, Carlyle Jansen, Tara McKee, Jon Pressick, Josey Vogels and a bunch of other very friendly and approachable peeps. I know both these sex shops quite well and trust me, they’re the cat’s ass.
493 Queen Street West
175 Harbord Street
When it comes to sex, there’s always room for improvement, further education, or just general sharpening of your tools. So don’t be shy. Peruse their websites or take a trip downtown (gimme a shout, too and we’ll go for tea!) and expand the horizons of your bedposts.
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Got a question about sex in art, relationships, parenting? Send Sonya a note at dearmadame@torontostandard.com. Anonymity assured.
Sonya JF Barnett, also known as “The Madame,” is the founder of an erotic arts community called The Keyhole Sessions and the co-founder of SlutWalk Toronto. Follow her on Twitter @KeyholeSessions.
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