When it was suddenly announced last week that the fifth iteration of the Grand Theft Auto franchise would soon be shown to the public, millions of gamer keyboards across the world got positively sticky with the excitement. Speculation sprung up at once, with some poor sods so desperate for information they were scanning the roman numeral ‘V’ for clues. But when it comes to the all-important setting, rumours so far suggest that GTA will once again take place in L.A., which… yawn. I mean, what’s exciting about Los Angeles? Okay fine, other than those one or two hundred things, what’s exciting about Los Angeles? Exactly. Nothing. No, what the Grand Theft Auto series needs is a change of pace and a little northern touch. It needs a city whose name has become synonymous with intrigue, crime, excitement and glamour: Toronto! Or maybe that should read “Er… Toronto?” I’m not really sure. Either way, let us speculate on the general awesomeness of an imaginary Grand Theft Auto V: Toronto… Grand Theft Auto V: Toronto: Stop complaining about city and do something (virtual) about it! Know how you can never find a seat at that Annex coffee shop to plan your next heist? Blow it up! Annoyed at how King West turns into a parade of assholes every weekend? Blow it up! Can’t stand the gentrification of Dundas West? Blow it — Okay, you get the idea. But 7 out 10 scienticians agree: blowing up virtual shit spells “catharsis”. In GTA V: Toronto, the War on the Car is over. Now it’s time for drivers to fight back! Finally, the poor maligned driver has a virtual vehicle for his or her rage. Hop in any car you choose and mow down innocent pedestrians and laugh as they futilely cry out “Butbutbut peak oil!”. Or simply place cars in the way of streetcars on Queen or College and enjoy the wide open road. Or pedestrian-filled sidewalk. Whatever floats your boat. Cyclists, tip the balance back in your favour. Celebrating multiple styles of play is what GTA is known for, so lest cars take all the glory, I’ve got four words for you, downtrodden, lane-less cyclists: Bikes. With. Rocket. Launchers. After all, to get a bit Agent Smith, how is a driver gonna’ door you… when he or she doesn’t have any doors? Urban vs. Suburban Multiplayer Warfare. Team up with up to 7 of your closest friends and take on “The Other”. Suburbanites, head into Parkdale to kidnap owners of organic food stores and force them to watch hours of reality TV. Downtowners, travel en masse to suburban cineplexes to stage guerrilla performances of Ibsen plays at screenings of Michael Bay movies. Does it matter that in this city there’s no such thing as a neat urban-suburban divide based on empty stereotypes? Erm… probably! Finally take on the scourge of boxes in the sky. In a downloadable add-on, GTA V: Toronto players will face an undead zombie horde, hell-bent on building, buying and living in condominiums! Arm yourself to the teeth and take on brainless crowds who have the sheer temerity of wanting places to live, however inauthentic and manufactured! Wise players will know, however, to corner them at Ikea stores across the city where the zombies are distracted by the fine workmanship and attention to detail of untold numbers of Chinese children. Uh, hello? GTA in the GTA? Do I need to spell this out for you people? Oh wait, I just did. But isn’t it time that the city that shares an acronym with gaming’s biggest series got some real representation in a video game? After all, not only does the city have a thriving gaming scene, for far too long, Torontonians haven’t been able to see themselves writ large on screens. Yes, we’ve have the odd Sarah Polley movie, or absolutely terrible Atom Egoyan ones. But few things contribute more to a city’s mythos than being able to explore a detailed, lively virtual recreation – and that’s just what GTA excels at. So whaddya’ say Rockstar Games? How’s about a little love for Toronto? __ Navneet Alang is the Toronto Standard Tech Critic.
