(Photo: Patricia Horton)
There are more women than men in universities now, which means more women than men are heading to the city to move some units. From a woman’s perspective, this is cool. But it also sucks for women who like men, because it means that each of us has a greater chance of dying alone.
There’s no shortage of men in this city, that I know of. Just a shortage of men with goals who work hard toward achieving those goals. I’m not saying these men are inherently better, as men or as people. They’re just better for me.
Most of my goals involve doing good work, but they also involve one day having a stable partnership. I have only limited experience with stable partnerships, but I think they require you to both be equal. In order for things to feel equal, I think the guy would have to have goals at least similar to mine. I guess it could be equal if he wanted to stay at home and make my apartment nice for me while I went out and moved units, but for some reason that doesn’t appeal to me. Maybe that means I’m not evolved enough. Maybe I should have kids so that there will one day be a better me.
Over the past couple of years I have dated men who aren’t into working hard for goals, and it’s just not a good fit. I end up yakking away at them about goal stuff, and they end up yakking away at me about whatever it is they’re into. Sometimes we meet in the middle by talking about stuff we both like or by going out and having fun. But neither of those things is worth the percentage of my free time it takes to be in a relationship.
If you do the arithmetic, you will see that I have a greater than average chance of dying alone. Maybe in ten years I will really want to have kids and be willing to have a relationship with a goalless man for that purpose. But if that doesn’t happen, I’m stuck looking for men with goals, and I suspect that there are fewer men with goals than there are women looking for men with goals. That’s assuming goals are enough, which they aren’t. There are other things in life, such as having a good attitude about fucking and being great to talk to and not being evil. And being funny. And getting along with me on a basic level.
There’s a good chance I will end up with someone like that one day. There’s a slight chance that I won’t. There’s a better chance that I will, but it won’t work out, and then I will, but it won’t work out, until finally I’m alone. I want to be prepared for that. I want to be able to die alone, so I don’t end up sad or with some schmo out of desperation.
In order to die alone, you have to think about what you want from a partner and figure out who else can do those things for you. First and foremost, there is sex, and all the other physical things that aren’t sex. Goalless men are great for that, because I don’t want relationships with them. Same goes for men I can’t talk to and men who I don’t get along with on a basic level. Having sex with this kind of guy is like having a bowling buddy, if bowling was something you had a biological imperative to do.
The other thing partners are good for is companionship. Friends are good for that as well. A partner is ideally a Swiss Army knife of friends, so if you want your friends to sub in for a partner, you should try to make lots of them. You should also make lots of them because friends often start families, and that means you don’t get to see them as often. Of course, you can only be friends with so many people. It’s probably easier to maintain friendships if you know their limitations. For example, not all friends can be bowling buddies.
Partners are also good for taking care of you when you’re sick or going through a rough patch. For these things, you can watch movies or see a therapist. You might also consider a food processor so you can make yourself good soups. I haven’t gotten there yet.
Maybe the best thing a partner does is talk to you about stuff. Like the minutiae of your day, or all the stupid ideas you have that you want to bounce off someone else. But half the time when partners talk to each other about stuff, they are actually just talking to themselves. If you don’t believe me, you should try actually talking to yourself more. Your brain does a great thing where it splits in two and has a dialogue with itself, and it is often the exact conversation you want to have.
I really love the brain I talk to and I suspect that I often fall for guys because I imagine them as embodiments of that brain. I don’t get why the brain needs to have a body.
Maybe you know someone’s the right partner for you when you like talking to them as much as you like talking to your own brain. If that never happens, at least I’ve got the brain.
__
Alex Molotkow is a writer and editor whose Minutiae column appears every Tuesday in the Toronto Standard.
