After providing us with the wise and carpe diem death wish of last year, YOLO, Drake delievered another motto for us to live by in 2013: “No New Friends.”
However, like all things involving our lord Aubrey, it is nuanced and complicated. Well, at least that’s what we imagine the operator of the latest blog to dominate the rapidly expanding criterion Drake Tumblr classics would say. The website, Drake’s New Friends, has been around since the summer, and is searing exposé that shows us how, in his real life, Drake eschews the very virtues he so passionately espoused. Perhaps when he said “No New Friends” he meant no new non-famous friends, which would be fair, because, well, there’s levels to this shit.
Nevertheless, in honour of this powerful arrival in the Drake Tumblr industrial complex, we’ve selected five of new friendships we most approve of, based solely on the awkwardness of their photos together.
#5. Alexa Chung
Drake has a well-deserved reputation of being a dramatic and sometimes maudlin lover. Here his desire for new friends and instant trust to the extreme, as he affectionately embraces Alexa Chung in a way that mimics the reverence some usually reserve for him. His emotional nudity is so jarring that even erstwhile Much Music VJ Matte Babel can’t watch. (Note: View one of Drake’s old friends, to the left.)
4. Diddy, French Montana, and Miguel.
We all know this Drake learned this “no worries laugh,” learned from his mentor, Lil’ Wayne. French figured it out on his own. Miguel made it past Halloween, so he’s good, too. Diddy, however, does have worries. His paternal fingerpoint suggests perhaps he’s on the precipice of sending someone to grab a faraway and rare pastry. We believe that to be folly. He was more likely demanding someone grab a Ciroc bottle or some AquaHydrate so as not to let this moment of rap Illuminati superfriends go unbranded.
3. Scott Disick, Tyga, and Big Sean.
The best part of this photo is Drake is standing next to a male model, yet he still manages to vogue with more ferocity. The second best part is Scott Disick’s Gucci Mane-level icy bracelet. The third best part is Big Sean’s general “what the fuck am I doing here?” facial expression. Oh God. We’re wondering, too.
2. Taylor Swift.
Drake’s issues with Kanye West are well-documented, yet he here he seems to inhibit the uncomfortable horror we imagine Yeezy would feel if he was forced to hug Taylor Swift. Or maybe Taylor asked Drizzy to weigh in on whether or not he thinks she is a feminist, and why she should or shouldn’t have to be one.
1. Kobe Bryant
Drake and Kobe, the ultimate in new friends. Kobe inadvertently provided Drake with one of his most immediately canonized lines on last year’s juggernaut posse cut, “Stay Schemin’.” It has been since immortalized on t-shirts and in many open-ended subtweets. Here, though, things have been flipped. Drake was, after all, referring to Kobe’s wife as a “bitch.” And Kobe ambivalently lets him know that while Vanessa wasn’t with him shooting in the gym, “Neither were you. Slow your roll.”
Ultimately, who are we to fault young Drizzy for wanting new friends? Or for making them long enough to take a photo and feed the tweets? We are no one. And if we don’t let him make new friends, how will we convince him to be ours? Think on it.
More here: Drake’s New Friends.
Jordan Sowunmi is a writer and editor at the Toronto Standard. You can follow him on Twitter @jordanisjoso.