Here’s my sister’s theory: Sleeping people can successfully go to the bathroom without waking up. (In a proper toilet, I should add. I believe we have all, in our lifetimes, validated the theory that sleeping people can successfully go to the bathroom wherever they happen to be sleeping. The toilet is the key here.) And if you can accomplish this, your natural sleeping rhythm is not interrupted and all of your REM cycles and alpha states continue unmolested, leading to a properly restful sleep. If you have to wake up to pee, in other words, you screw up your sleep for the night and you wake up in the morning a tired mess. It’s the excretory version of sleep apnea. The linchpin of a restful yet expressive sleep, my sister believes, is turning on the lights. She is able to find her way and, because I’m talking about my sister here, I’m going to say, “conduct herself,” without turning them on. Her fella is not, mostly for aiming reasons, I’m told. She believes this is why he arises each day significantly less chipper than she is. My solution is telling him he has to sit down. But given the likelihood of convincing any man to sit while he urinates is almost non-existent, it probably makes more sense for someone to start manufacturing my sister’s solution: a toilet that gently glows in the dark. Something like a nightlight toilet seat would probably be too bright and jarring, waking you up. But the faint green glow of the entire bowl could guide you without rousting you. (Alternately, just installing a blacklight, causing unsuccessful previous aims to fluoresce, would also do the trick.) So Kohler, can we get on this? Your Portrait Comfort Height One-Piece Elongated costs $1,333.13 in the colour you seem to call ‘Biscuit,’ (which is a really gross thing to name a toilet colour, incidentally). I imagine we could sell one in ‘Strontium Aluminate’ for at least $1,833.13. And my sister can have my share of the oodles of money I expect you’ll make from this one. It’s the least I can do, really, for telling my many tens of readers all about her urination habits. __ Ideas Free to a Good Home is a clearinghouse of ideas we’re too lazy to develop ourselves.
