What sort of a deficiency do I have if I’m one of those salt-craving people? It’s a Cheetos deficiency, right?

I’m bored today and all I can think about is Cheetos. No, I’m not thinking about those small, crunchy ones, the ones that seem to be more gregariously admired by the general population of Cheetos eaters. I’m talking about those long cheese-puff ones. Those ones that sort of melt in your mouth, and that act like a sponge for oil. The ones that leave orange residue all over your fingers and you have to wipe them on the inside of your black sock when you’re on the bus, making sure the person beside you isn’t looking (but they already hate you because you’re eating Cheetos on the bus).

So it makes me sort of sad to look at Lonely Cheetos, 1) because it offers nostalgia for the last time I ate them (in bed last night), 2) because I’m hungry for them right now and I can’t have them unless I go outside, and 3) because those squashed little snacks/bags look very alone, all dressed up in bright orange with no where to go. Can someone please go buy a bag of Cheetos now? Or I’m going to start yelling very loud.

Jessica Carroll is Toronto Standard’s editorial assistant. She’s really pretty and writes a daily column about stuff she thinks is funny/great on the internet. She also tweets at @jssckr.