Still from Japanese cult horror classic House—because for October we're enacting a strict horror regimen.
First thing’s first: we’ve got three more weeks of summer. The beginning of September doesn’t mean the end of summer. September 23 means the end of summer. When you were in school, September meant the end of summer. But you don’t get to bum around for July and August anymore, so you might as well enjoy the bonus weeks.
Summer will be over soon. Really, it was going to be over soon in July. Summer always seems almost over, because it only lasts for three months and the rest of the year is dark and you can’t do anything fun without worrying about how you’re going to get home in the cold. That means you either have to plan the shit out of your summer in advance, or commit to every summer opportunity that presents itself. At least then you will have your summer memories to hang on to when life is joyless again.
Maybe summer is overrated, though, and fall is actually the best season. It’s not, but we should pretend it is because the actual best season will be over soon and we should try to move on with our lives. Fall smells good and it’s a great time to ruminate on things, like what life would be like if ghosts existed. If you’re anything like me, you like colours, and fall has plenty of those. Fall also contains October, which is the month with the most character.
Like summer, fall goes by fast and you’re really going to miss it once winter starts, so you should start planning the shit out of it. I am. Here are some things I’m going to do this fall.
Go to Canada’s Wonderland finally
Why would you even go in the summer? You’ll only get to ride two rides. It’ll feel like you rode more, but that’s only because you can’t admit to yourself that you paid 50 bucks to ride two rides. Go in the fall for the Halloween thingie they do. You can ride all the rides you want. Just tuck your scarf into your sweater, because if it comes loose it might catch in the track and crush your neck. What’s interesting about that is your eyes might literally pop out of your head.
Photo: deadrobot from Toronto Standard Flickr Pool
Visit the shit out of Riverdale Farm
Animals are great because they’re like people but without sin. At Riverdale Farm, you can look at some. You might even learn something. For example, when I went last fall, I learned that I don’t know the difference between a sheep and a goat. I saw a goat and said, “Hey, look at the sheep.” My friend said, “That isn’t a sheep, that’s a goat.” That’s why it’s valuable to have a farm in the heart of the city. Now I’m way better at buying cheese.
Make friends with someone who owns a car
Do you know how hard it is to get to a pumpkin patch? The closest pumpkin patch is a million miles away and you can’t take public transportation there. Furthermore, pumpkin patches don’t have the resources to bus in Torontonians. The only way to get to a pumpkin patch is by car, and even then it’s kind of hard to justify the gas money just to look at some pumpkins. Good thing I don’t drive. My friend does.
Enact a strict horror movie regimen for the month of October
Halloween is the best holiday. Everyone thinks that. So it’s weird that Halloween isn’t even a holiday. Maybe it says something about our society. Because Halloween is only one day, and it’s not even a holiday, and the day after isn’t a holiday so you can’t have as much fun as you want on Halloween, you should celebrate it the entire month of October. If you watch a horror movie every day then it’s like an advent calendar of fear.
Summon a demon
Last fall I went to a “sabbat” party. The whole idea was to summon a demon named Astaroth by chanting the lyrics to a song called “Come to the Sabbat.” It felt kind of fruity to me and I was afraid that we’d actually summon the demon, so I mostly sat out. That was then. Now I’m living on the edge. This fall I’m going to do some research on demons and summon one of my own. I’m going to misspell one of the words in the incantation though, because the last thing I need in my life is a demon.
Carve pumpkins
No one talks about this, but carving pumpkins is a really uncomfortable experience. Your knife goes right through the pumpkin shell into a bunch of pumpkin guts, then you reach in and pull the guts out. You almost don’t want to enjoy it. The last time I carved a pumpkin there was a kid crying in the distance. I haven’t carved a pumpkin since.
But this fall I’m gonna carve a whole bunch of pumpkins. I’m going to carve them into the faces of people I like, such as Charles Grodin and my friend Lily. Then I’ll make pumpkin pie, because if I use every part of the pumpkin I’ll feel more like a natural predator and less like the killer inside me.
Do the things I did in summer and pretend I like them better now that it’s freezing
I don’t need warmth to enjoy a bike ride to the Leslie Street Spit or Humber Bay Park. I just need a giant coat that weighs a million pounds and restrictive jeans that are tough to pedal in. And I won’t stay out there too long, neglecting all the work I have to do, because it’s cold and I want to get home before darkness falls and I’m stuck in the dystopian stretch under the Don Valley.
Make a giant pot of hot toddy and drink the whole thing in the park until I pass out and wake up shivering in the cold at 2 in the morning
Because then I’ll feel so warm and snug in my bed.
