You may believe the new iPad is the single greatest piece of personal computer technology ever released. You might think today’s release is an aggressive cash grab by an evil corporation most notable for fleecing gullible suckers and waging crimes against humanity at their factories. No matter what opinions you have about the new iPad, one thing is certain: there is a new iPad.

Maybe you love waiting in line overnight with money you saved from your part-time job to buy a new tablet to take along with you on your job on a cruise ship for the next 10 months because a tablet would be easy to carry around the ship and you’ll only really need it for Facebook and email and whatever. You are in luck: there is a new iPad.

I bet your mom has heard that there is a new iPad.

Maybe you bought an iPad 2 not that long ago but now with the new one out you already feel like you’re behind the times even though a lot of people are saying “it’s evolutionary not revolutionary” and, yeah, sure, most people don’t even have an iPad so it’s kind of silly anyways. Remember: there is a new iPad.

I bet Barack Obama has already received the new iPad.

Maybe you’re a human rights activist who protested outside the Apple store this morning because you were enraged by Mike Daisey’s story on ‘This American Life’ about the devastatingly poor working conditions at the Foxconn where iPads are manufactured but today you’re not sure what to think because it’s been revealed that some facts in Daisey’s piece were fabricated so maybe you wasted your time but also a lot of terrible stuff probably did happen. No matter what actually happened: there is a new iPad. 

Some guy you went to University with just tweeted from his new iPad that, “[He is] tweeting with his new #ipad”

Maybe you’re on the writing staff for a very popular technology blog and you and your colleagues haven’t been blown away by the “Retina” display, the 4G LTE connectivity, the 1080p HD video capability or any of the new features and you’re starting to wonder if all this technology “porn” is exciting to you anymore and you’re just totally bored of all of it and maybe I should just quit and start subsistence farming in my backyard and start building your own furniture because you’ve always thought you’d love woodworking but who are you kidding you don’t know anything about that, this is the world you know and people are depending on your reputable organization to provide critical analysis about these luxury consumer goods before they spend their hard earned money on a thing that you’ve surrounded with immeasurable hype. You’ve got to publish something: there is a new iPad.

Sorry for this weird post everyone, I haven’t been myself today. There is a new iPad.

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Michael Kolberg writes for Toronto Standard. Follow him on Twitter at @mikeykolberg

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