On January 4th, at 1:17 a.m. Jose Canseco tweeted something crazy: a hypothetical, somewhat viable, kind of actually not bad platform, which he would run on in a theoretical (for now) by-election to elect Toronto’s next Mayor. “Gotta fix budget, traffic, get new $ not from taxes, get more new businesses, and help schools.”
Okay, fine, schools are provincial jurisdiction. And there isn’t really anything technically wrong with Toronto’s budget, which is legally mandated to balance. But come on, these are just details. It’s clear Jose Canseco wants to make our lives better without resorting to higher taxation. That’s a win, win!
This tweet and others were directed at the Toronto Star, which has a roundup of all the awesomeness here. You should read it. It’s great. Unfortunately, as writer/buzz kill Daniel Dale points out “Canseco, born in Cuba, is an American citizen, and, thus, ineligible to run in Toronto.”
While at first Canseco vowed to “work out the citizen thing,” this tweet just happened:
@dale8: Breaking: Jose Canseco, in an email, concedes that he is not going to be able to “work out the citizen thing.”
The world is a cold, cruel place. In an effort to cope, I’m choosing to focus on this Canseco offering from last night–a true stroke of genius.
“u need someone from outside the system to fix things otherwise you get the same ideas that don’t work over and over from same people.”
Toronto, Jose is right. We need someone from outside the system. Think about it, our council is widely panned as dysfunctional and crazy. And if a by-election happens, it means our Mayor was kicked out of office. Are we really going to limit out choices for the city’s highest office to an ousted mayor with the track record of Amanda Bynes and a handful of loony councillors? How is that going to get us new $ not from taxes? We need an outsider. We need a non-politician, to bring in new ideas.
Best case scenario, Canseco overturns our tyrannical citizenship laws as they relate to civic elections. Falling short of that, we should all demand outsider candidates in the next election, whenever it takes place. Here are some suggestions:
Why Toronto needs her: The former MTV Canada personality has hit it big time co-hosting a musical chairs game show with Jamie Kennedy. Luring her back to Toronto and away from that gold mine might be a tough sell, but as this clip of a New Years Eve broadcast gone wrong demonstrates, Cruickshank is uniquely experienced in the art of dealing with shit shows.
Why it might not work out: You just know Jamie Kennedy will end up with a cushy city job.
Why Toronto needs him: 1) He’s super rich so he doesn’t have to draw a salary, which means more $ not from taxes. 2) His movie career isn’t what one would call, “on fire.” 3) Mayoral press conferences would be only slightly less funny/silly than they are right now.
Why it might not work out: There is no indication Carrey has any interest in politics at all, let alone Canadian municipal politics. Also, it looks like Carrey’s website takes up a lot of his time.
Why Toronto needs her: She’s obviously smart enough and our libraries would have a true champion in the mayor’s office. Also, think about the tell-all book she could write when it’s all said and done.
Why it might not work out: There’s always the risk Atwood would rely entirely too much on long pen, skipping council meetings.
Why it might not work out: Drake’s YOLO shenanigans do not poll well among adults 30-65.
Michael “Pinball” Clemons
Why Toronto needs him: With all due respect to Jose Canseco, Pinball is among the most popular Toronto athletes of all time and an enduring personality in the city.
Why it might not work out: There is no reason why this wouldn’t work out. Seriously, why hasn’t he run for mayor yet?
Vakis Boutsalis is a freelance writer in Toronto. Follow him on Twitter @VakisB.