Fakin’ It?

Things got off to a slow start at the inaugural Orgasm Idol event last Friday night.

“There’s not quite enough orgasmers so if any of you are on the fence, PLEASE let me know,” Orgasm Idol founder Sherman Sullivan Tjia announced to the audience.

But the Buddies in Bad Times Theatre finally filled up, despite torrential downpours outside.

The contest was to find the best faker in all of Toronto. A total of five performers faced three blistering rounds. In the first they were to fake orgasm as if their parents were home, second was as if they were with someone they were truly in love with, third was the ‘porn star’ orgasm. Three pro sex workers were to be the judges – knowing, as it were – how to fake it professionally. The only rules were no booing and no photos, people who snitched on covert picture takers got a free beer. The prize was a choose your own adventure book from the point of view of a cat, a CD of cats purring and a ‘tasteful’ DVD called “Watch My Friends Sleep: The Kate Edition”.

 The competitors included four men and one woman. In round one, the first competitor, Jonathan, demonstrated an excessively overblown orgasm  (especially in the face of his mom presumably being home). S.H., the second competitor, upped the ante by declaring that he had filled the equivalent of three kiddie pools of semen over the course of his lifetime. He then proceeded with his fake butt-squeezing orgasm, capping it off with a stifled kazoo sound. Aisha gave a performance that was “too short.” Trent, an affable Australian in plaid shorts, had the most believable fake orgasm — awkward and sweaty with a lot of wet mouth breathing. Ryan, the final contestant, got rather intimate with the mic stand during his faux-climax.

Among the judge’s criticisms were talking too much (“sometimes you just need to shut up and fuck”), and acting too bizarre (“that was like a religious cult scene from a B-Movie!”) The first contestant even slipped into the King James English during his performance, screaming; “You will know my name as a lord when I lay my lance upon thee!” as he blew his fake load. The praises included “that was like listening to a recording of myself” and “I really enjoyed the butt clenching.” To the winner went the spoils — Ryan turned out to be the crowd favorite by the final round.

Tjia thought the event ran “pretty well.”  He thought the performances were “more funny than anything else. I think it’s very difficult to go up there and reveal how you truly orgasm. Even if you are faking it. So most folks aimed to generate laughs, or, they were so uncomfortable up there the faked O’s were these cursory things where they tried to do it and get off the stage. It’s such a private moment, it’s very interesting how people respond to the challenge. I think the winner (and he won by an overwhelming number of votes) did the best job at showing us himself, taking his time and being real about it.”

His advice for wannabe Orgasm Idols? “It’s okay to be nervous. I’m asking them to do a very weird thing. Have a drink. Close your eyes. Move your body. Take your time. Imagine the audience in their underwear, all wanting to have sex with you after the show. (Well, maybe not that last one.)”