Anyone can adjust what’s on the runway for use in their everyday wardrobe. Obviously this fun headpiece is ideal for running away from ghosts/chasing down power pellets before school, and this is definitely not an exact replica of a nightmare I had last week, but what do you wear when things turn–as they so often do–completely to shit? This column is here to help. Welcome to Runway to (Things Just Got) Real Life. You’re welcome in advance.
What to wear to: Pick up your STI medication
Well, this is awkward. You spent a wild night out with a friend/handsome stranger/longterm trusted partner, and now you somehow have chlamydia/HPV/syphilis/ you’re not sure what yet but there is an itch happening that you’re not excited about. You probably have a lot of questions–for your doctor, your pharmacist, and your partner(s). But none of them can answer the question: what shoes go with a Valtrex prescription? Hiiiiiii.
Breathability is all
We don’t need to get too into it, but lightweight cotton-y fabrics in loose cuts are going to be your friend right now, because of swelling or boils or, like, oozing (maybe?) (according to the Internet?) in your Area. Even if you’re not presenting any symptoms–because, Public Service Announcement, many STIs have no noticeable symptoms at all–it is extremely likely that as soon as you were diagnosed you began feeling uncomfortable in your pants. So get rid of your pants! Loose T-shirt dresses 4 life. Or at least, for the duration of your treatment period.
All black err’thang
At this point it’s all too fresh for colours. Red = Ariel’s hair = The Little Mermaid = Sebastian = Crabs. Blue = Balls = Swollen testicles = Syphilis. Purple = Purp = Herp. Pink = girls = babies = scabies. Or just babies. God, sex is terrifying. Everyone please have it responsibly, there are so many rhyming consequences out there. Stay calm and centered in basic black with comfy flat sandals. If anyone asks, you’re having a Jay-Z moment with the all black duds. JK, no one will ask, this is Toronto and it’s like everyone’s at a high-fashion funeral most of the time. We’re scared of colour.
Ring around the rosary
How do you solve a problem like gonorrhea? Dress like a nun! We’ve talked about sartorial contrition before, but adopting a casual widow’s garb is the most respectful way to mourn the loss of your sex life for the next 8-10 days. Pop a dirge on your iPhone and get thee to a druggery. If you’re feeling infected yet erudite you can pencil on a beauty mark, used by the 18th century satirist William Hogarth to depict VD on characters in his moralising painted satire series Marriage A-la Mode. At the time of the painting the only known treatment for venereal disease was mercury pills, colloquially known as “just poison,” so if you’re going to skip this make up tip, at least take that factoid as a reminder to thank your lucky stars for sexy, sexy science.
Go incognito with international spy vibes
“Is that Jonathan over there, asking the clerk about different topical creams for his… did he just call them “cajones”?? It couldn’t be. No, that is clearly 007 from his stylish sunglasses and several packages of condoms. Wow, that guy must have a ton of very safe sex. He just loooooves to wrap it up, I guess. Doesn’t sound like our Jonathan!” “What an uncomfortable way to describe our Jonathan, dear. …Magnums, eh? Good on him.”
Do. Not. Forget. A. Bag.
Ladies: get a purse. Men: get a purse, if you have to. Everyone get a bag big enough for your prescription and all your “what, I’m just here to pick up these important non-sexual items” decoy purchases. There is a walk more shameful than the OG walk of shame, and that is the walk of shame while carrying nothing but a Shopper’s Drugmart bag and a leaflet about managing your genital warts. Remember how many people you ran into that day you didn’t wash your hair? Exactly. Totally. Totes. Bring a tote.
It’s 2013. An STI does not have to be a big deal. You are in good company–Trey Songz, Billy Idol, and Michael “Cunnlingus gave me HPV which gave me throat cancer, hi mom” Douglas, as well as approximately 1 in 2 members of the population at some point in their lives–most likely can be easily treated over the counter, and there is a service where a health professional will make the awkward “you maybe have crabs” phone call to your recent partners for you. Make responsible choices with your health and your wardrobe–remember, 1 in 5 adults has some form of the herpes simplex virus, but 1 in 2 spend everyday with prominent VPL. Stay safe, don’t Google, inform prior and potential partners, don’t Google, keep up to date with testing and don’t ever, ever Google. ‘Night!
(Pssst: legitimately helpful information about identifying and dealing with STIs can be found here.)
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Monica Heisey is a writer and comedian from Toronto. She has also written for VICE, Huffington Post, and She Does the City. Follow her on Twitter @monicaheisey.
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