It’s not what you’re thinking. It’s not someone to park your bicycle for you at shops and restaurants-although, with the shortage of vacant posts and rings in parts of downtown, anyone willing to part with a few bucks could save themselves a lot of searching. That sort of bike valet would save me the clanging humiliation of another public demonstration of my irremediable inability to lock my bike to anything without having to attack the problem from six or seven angles. It would mean I was no longer the recipient of looks ranging from pity (old ladies,) to amusement (dudes smoking on sidewalks outside of patio-less bars on weekday afternoons) to scorn and disdain (bike couriers, my friends co-workers) as I drape myself over the crossbar, wrestling upside-down with everything before realizing it’s easier just to walk around to the other side. But no. The bicycle valet I have in mind solves a greater problem: dishevelledness. Quite frankly, I’m a mess when I ride my bike to work. Even after I’ve rid my hair of helmet ridges and taken some time to otherwise compose myself, my clothes have suffered from the ride in. They’re either creased and crumpled and slightly sweaty or I’ve opted for a t-shirt and shorts and put something more work-appropriate in my bag, from whence it emerges not sweaty but always creased and crumpled. If I’m riding to work, right now my options are to dress like Columbo, or dress like sweaty Columbo. The bicycle valet would give me the option to bring clothes to work as God intended them to be brought to work: in a garment bag. I can imagine two different designs for this. One could simply be a tall pole with coat hook at the top attached to your rear axle. It doubles as a safety flag and, possibly, as a sail on days with favorable winds. The second design would allow you to lay the bag gently across a rear rack, turning your panniers into a sort of dapper covered wagon. Either way, it means that when I roll up at a classy restaurant with the other kind of bicycle valet, I’ll almost be ready to meet the dress code.
