Like many males, I’ve been fascinated by women’s undergarments from a young age. Over the years I’ve bought naughty weekend frillies for girlfriends and wives, some with good results, others not so favourable (which I blame mostly on itchy synthetic fibres). And still, at least once a year, I persevere and buy something thin and degrading for that woman I love, but once you’ve exhausted the smut shops and lingerie styles, you end up trawling the internet. These days you can find some amazing iterations on what underwear or even swimwear can be. More novel than erotic perhaps, they might yet have the desired effect on a special someone.
When I first heard of glow-in-the dark lingerie, I expected it to be something sold in a joke shop along with booby hats. Then I wondered if it was a Scandinavia thing, for sexy weekends under the aurora borealis. No, it turns out these frilly undergarments come from the sun drenched land of Oz. LuminoGlow, an Australian outfit, intends its phosphorescent lady gear for those dark Antipodean nights in the boudoir, or “boudo” as Aussies might say. Judging by the amount of luminescence these bras and panties emit, a girl could help taxi aircraft in a blackout. I should also mention they make a “budgie smuggler” (an Aussie term for man thong), so Bruce can get his glow on, too. All I can imagine is a blonde Sheila after a few Cab Savs, standing in the dark like a radioactive hooker and whispering seductively, “Hey Brucey, get a load of my glowies.” Then again it might make for some Halloween fun if you’re in the mood for some post-nuclear holocaust-zombie sex.
Then there’s this solar paneled bikini from Brooklyn-based designer Andrew Schneider — equipped with a USB port it’s perfectly capable at charging your iPod. All it might take is about two hours of sunbathing. And Schneider offers reassurance to anyone wary of potential electrocution: “You wouldn’t even feel the charge.” The design first appeared in 2007 but has only now made it into production. For the chaps, Schneider is developing solar-paneled thong-shorts capable of generating sufficient charge to chill a single can of beer. How that will look at poolside shakes the imagination.
GPS underwear isn’t the most worrying thing to come out of Brazil, but it’s up there with frog farms. Lingerie maker Lucia Iorio came up with these tracker undies. Yes, now husbands can virtually track their wives 24/7 with a ‘Find Me If You Can’ handset. The lingerie set consists of a lace bodice, knickers and faux pearl collar; the actual GPS device, about the size of a mobile phone, is tucked somewhere inside the bodice. Ideally, the wearer of the underwear can only be tracked to those whom she grants password permission; and she can elude stalkers (potential or real) by simply turning off the device whenever she wants. Quite rightly, Ms. Iorio’s invention has angered feminists who describe it as akin to a hi-tech chastity belt.
