Let me share a great moment of weakness I had just minutes ago. 

I downloaded an app called Straight Thug on my crappy iPhone 3GS, an app where you could decorate your own photos with symbols of 90s hip hop stardom, like cars, money, and bling. I couldn’t help it. It made me feel like I didn’t have a crappy iPhone 3GS anymore. It made me feel like wasn’t just a freelance writer; I was a real freelance writer. I was the realest freelance writer. And real recognizes real, you know? Maybe this app would finally give me the confidence I needed to make it in the world, to make my dreams of big cash and nice cars (not to mention ferocious dogs) come true. 

But guys, then I realized that I don’t need an app for iPhone to know that I’m already the realest girl in town. This photo, before I jazzed it up, was taken in a Montreal alleyway with my POP Montreal press pass in one hand, and a huge can of Milwaukee’s Best Ice in the other. I’m already set. I’m already OG, already a ride-or-die lady. Whoomp. Skeet, skeet. **F*CK DA HATERS!**

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…Jessica Carroll is the Toronto Standard’s “Best Thing on the Internet Today” columnist. Follow her on Twitter at @jssckr.

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