Valentine’s Day is so boring.

“We’re going to see a movie.” “Yeah, we’re going out for a nice dinner.” “I bought her roses.”

I’ve been getting texts like this all day. You’d think that everyone I know was obsessed with movies starring Katherine Heigl. 

My more alternative friends, who are less Heigl and more Naomi Klein-inclined (see how I did that?) have been saying stuff like, “I don’t celebrate Valentine’s Day. It’s a Hallmark holiday that exists expressly for commercialism.” 

I don’t get either types of people. Why so serious, guys? Why not do something fun and just get down on V-Day? Get down! You know what I mean. FUCK SOMETHING. Put your dick in another person!!!

I know this is maybe easier said than done, but sometimes all you need is a little incentive. So, that’s why I’m sharing my (tried and tested) top 5 Valentine’s Day R&B songs that are sure to get your emotions raging like you’re 14 and you’re in your parent’s basement. You can thank me by sending massage oil candles and love letters to: Jessica Carroll, 639 Queen St West #301, Toronto, ON, M5V 2B5. 

5) Trey Songz, “Love Faces”

4) R. Kelly, “Bump ‘n Grind” 

3) Usher, “U Make Me Wanna” 

2) D’Angelo, “Untitled” (NSFW)

1) LL Cool J, “Doin’ It” 

That last one works every time. 

UPDATED: Runners up: Slick Rick’s “Adults Only” (NSFW), The Dream’s “Sex Intelligent” (from Anupa Mistry), Chris Brown’s “Take You Down” (from Greg Brown)

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Jessica Carroll is the Toronto Standard’s editorial assistant. Follow her on Twitter at @jssckr.

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