Here at Toronto Standard, we’re done with year-end lists before we’ve even, well, done them. On to the next! And best. And worst. And weirdest. And so it goes. Here, Jonathan Ore gives us his honest-to-god thoughts about what to expect for gaming in the memorable year of 2012.
Most things in the videogame world right now are fairly predictable: the Nintendo WiiU will make a splash at this year’s E3 convention; major blockbuster franchises like Call of Duty and Assassins Creed will get another yearly installment; and your friends Scott and Frank will go off the radar for approximately twelve days after NHL ’13 launches.
Here are some other predictions for the gaming sphere in 2012, some more obvious than others.
1. Kinect will mature as a game platform. This has already begun, thanks to some impressive releases in the last few months. While the specialist games press has labelled the Kinect “the Dance Central machine,” it’s already proven to at least be “the Dance Central 2 machine.” Games like Disneyland Adventures and Sesame Street: Once Upon a Monster are fun for both kids and their crusty gamer parents. And added Kinect functionality to more traditional games, which has been bandied about since the accessory’s launch, might finally get some love in the next year, with support in games like Mass Effect 3. Oh, and the new Rogers on Demand services will allow you to mute Kevin O’Leary on Dragons’ Den by actually yelling at him. I mean, if that’s something you wanted to do.
2. Gabe Newell will announce something at E3 that isn’t Half-Life 3. During the Spike TV Video Game Awards, a short video featured Portal 2’s eye-bot Wheatley as part of the Character of the Year lineup. Some fans of the game’s developer Valve noticed a bunch of symbols and words in the background that might suggest they are working on the next Half-Life game. The last expansion to Half-Life 2 was released in 2007, and fans have been salivating for news of a sequel ever since. Valve founder Gabe Newell responded to one fan’s email thusly: “yes, we will be announcing something with a three in it.” Possible things he may announce this year that aren’t Half-Life 3 may include: Team Fortress 3, Portal 3, a game on the Xbox 360 or PlayStation 3. Also: the number of times he brushes his teeth in a day.
3. The Nintendo 3DS will make a kid vomit. Nintendo’s website already has information about its new handheld’s 3D capabilities, and possible health-related concerns. Long story short, it’s not for kids under the age of seven, and parents can even lock it if they wish. But just like the common “take a break after two hours of gameplay” disclaimer, a young child will continue to play despite their stomach acids telling them to take a break. That child will vomit, and their parents will fulminate at their local government about why they let them buy it in the first place. Videogames will become a health hazard as well as a hotbed for violence and sexual immorality; Newt Gingrich will say something silly about it at a debate. Then the new Call of Duty game will release in November, eclipsing this criticism with how much money it makes.
4. The Spike Video Game Awards will still be an embarrassment to the industry. The first Spike TV Video Game Awards’ highest low point was probably actor David Spade referring to two teenage males playing Soul Calibur II as perpetual virgins, and the crowd laughing heartily. This year was not much better, featuring such sterling ambassadors for the industry as a man dressed as a soldier pushing his balls in the general direction of host Zachary Levi, Felicia Day picking cupcakes from a conveyer belt with her mouth while Seth Green stared at the spectacle with a “you have got to be fucking kidding me” look that may have been carved out of stone with the Master Sword. In spite of some shining moments, such as a standing ovation for Nintendo all-father Shigeru Miyamoto, 2012’s edition of the VGAs will still be an awards production made by MTV. Those interested in the validation of video games as an art form will record the show on VHS for the sole purpose of recording the BAFTA Game Awards over it at a later date.
5. We won’t see any games set in Canada, ever again. Despite Canada edging out Britain as the 3rd-largest country for videogame development, we still haven’t seen many games actually set in the country, save for arenas in licensed sports games and some quaint Oregon Trail clones. With that in mind, here are some suggestions:
– Train Simulator 2012, Toronto-Vancouver expansion: drive The Canadian, the legendary Toronto-Vancouver rail line and take in the country’s scenery coast-to-coast. The campaign will take approximately eight days of real time to complete.
– TorontOkamiden: Remove graffiti vandalism and restore commissioned murals with your Celestial Brush, culminating in a battle with the multi-headed City Council-no-Orochi. Collect all celestial techniques to unlock the option to play as White Fang instead of Amaterasu.
– Professor Layton and the Spurious House: as a spectator in the public gallery, use the WiiU controller to spot any Members of Parliament making inappropriate finger gestures during Question Period.
