Anyone can adjust what’s on the runway for use in their everyday wardrobe. Obviously these are just what you’ve been looking for to flaunt your curves in at the office, and these little numbers are comfy loungewear for a babysitting or other childcare scenario, but what do you wear when things turn–as they so often do–completely to shit? This column is here to help. Welcome to Runway to (Shit Just Got) Real Life. You’re welcome in advance.
What to Wear to: A Buffet Where You Mean BUSINESS
Shrimpfest. Alaskan King Crab Week at Mandarin. Mandarin in General. Frankie Tomatto’s for your best friend’s birthday in high school. Joe’s Indian Food at Yonge and Gerrard. Ukranian New Year. General Christmas. There are times in your life where you have to get serious. Where you have to look yourself in the mirror and think, “I will return home between 3 and 5 pounds heavier than I currently am, full of carbohydrates, and ready for a restless night of cheese dreams. I am stomach, hear me roar. And then hear me sputter a bit while a touch of barf comes up, but no big deal bro, I got this, it has been swallowed.” Sure, summer is here (most days) and people are talking about “beach season” and “bikini bodies,” but should we not really be talking about BBQz? If music be the food of love, play on but also make me a sandwich, ‘nahmean? And when you’re serious about food–like, double R surrious–you have to get surrious about your clothing as well. We’ve all made the mistake of wearing high-waisted jeans out to dinner, only to fall prey to the sneaky unbutton before dessert. We’ve all noticed the cruel change in the way our hot new blouse fits after a hot new curry and two Tiger beers. We’ve all taken our pants just fully off in the back of a taxi after a five course Christmas party dinner, stepping out into the snow in a not-quite-long-enough jacket with one leg of our dress slacks hanging jauntily out of a clutch purse while our cab driver averts his eyes and we sidle towards our front doors not even embarrassed because of how great our tummies feel. Haven’t we?! Please, God, say we have. Here are some helpful hints for a VERY common and normal problem that we are all extremely familiar with. Let’s dress for bloated success, ladies and gents!
Loc it up
If you’re really going to get into it, buffet-wise, you’re going to be taking some food home with you. Any A-Y-C-E pro knows that the beauty of these places is that, like the music of their namesake Jimmy Buffett, the buffet experience is timeless. Why should the fun stop at closing time, when the staff of Dragon Pearl kick you out? To make the most of your time at the buffet, simply wear a large coat full of different sized pockets. Line these pockets with these season’s hottest accessory–ziploc bags–and continue about your business as usual, picking up a few extra tidbits to pop into your clothes as you fill up your tray. One coconut shrimp for you, two for your trench coat! One slice of weird cake for your tray, two wrapped in napkins to be softly squished by your butt on public transit! Three spring rolls for the table, two poking out of the top of your suit jacket like an oily pocket square! You know what they say: a fry in the hand is worth three in your purse. Load up and make friends on the way home! This season’s slouchy bucket bags are perfect. Consider a fashionable yet function option like this, which can be attached to the face or worn on the arm. Equine chic never looked so yum.
If you’re really going to get into it, buffet-wise, you’re going to be taking some food home with you. Any A-Y-C-E pro knows that the beauty of these places is that, like the music of their namesake Jimmy Buffett, the buffet experience is timeless. Why should the fun stop at closing time, when the staff of Dragon Pearl kick you out? To make the most of your time at the buffet, simply wear a large coat full of different sized pockets. Line these pockets with these season’s hottest accessory–ziploc bags–and continue about your business as usual, picking up a few extra tidbits to pop into your clothes as you fill up your tray. One coconut shrimp for you, two for your trench coat! One slice of weird cake for your tray, two wrapped in napkins to be softly squished by your butt on public transit! Three spring rolls for the table, two poking out of the top of your suit jacket like an oily pocket square! You know what they say: a fry in the hand is worth three in your purse. Load up and make friends on the way home! This season’s slouchy bucket bags are perfect. Consider a fashionable yet function option like this, which can be attached to the face or worn on the arm. Equine chic never looked so yum.
Think with your stomach, not your head. Also, your head.
This is not a time for make up. The average woman ingests up to four pounds of lipstick in her lifetime, but you have no time for that. If you wanted to consume a bunch of lead and chemicals, you’d have continued eating jawbreakers as a child. (That’s what those are made of, right? Also, where were our parents? We were walking around wearing our tongues raw on giant, filthy, crusty germ-balls made of rock-hard sugar… I have failed to make my own point and now would desperately like a jawbreaker, who is coming with me to Beckers and can I borrow $2?) Don’t wear make up to the buffet, it is as creepy as wearing full make up to the airport. Women are expected to be done up just everywhere these days, but there’s got to be a line drawn somewhere. We are allowed to look bad in the airport and the buffet. Give us that at least, SOCIETY.
This is not a time for make up. The average woman ingests up to four pounds of lipstick in her lifetime, but you have no time for that. If you wanted to consume a bunch of lead and chemicals, you’d have continued eating jawbreakers as a child. (That’s what those are made of, right? Also, where were our parents? We were walking around wearing our tongues raw on giant, filthy, crusty germ-balls made of rock-hard sugar… I have failed to make my own point and now would desperately like a jawbreaker, who is coming with me to Beckers and can I borrow $2?) Don’t wear make up to the buffet, it is as creepy as wearing full make up to the airport. Women are expected to be done up just everywhere these days, but there’s got to be a line drawn somewhere. We are allowed to look bad in the airport and the buffet. Give us that at least, SOCIETY.
Double camouflage
A great thing about buffets is that, like their namesake Warren Buffett, they are possessors of a great wealth that they feel an obligation to share, not to hoard. In your frenzied desire to sample all of the seemingly unending delights offered up to you at these cornucopias of modern gourmet cuisine, you may end up sharing this wealth with your dress or skirt (or culottes or palazzo pants, I’m not here to judge). Fortunately, the trend gods have conspired to make this the summer of the glutton. Patterns are back in, y’all! We’re talkin’ leopard, we’re talkin’ polka dots, we’re talkin’ horizontal stripes. We’re not talkin’ “ethnic prints” because what does that mean and can we please stop calling them that, but we ARE talkin’ Rorschach-inspired tie dye as seen on last summer’s Kaelen collection and this summer’s Versace dresses. The pattern you choose can effect your buffet experience for the positive, camouflaging both stains and bulges that are the possible hazards of the buffet diner’s trade. A busy, dark pattern will help things along immensely, taking your dinner companions from “Is that gravy?” to “Those are roses, right? And probably not gravy? Although if it’s gravy that’s fine, I have ice cream in my hair.” Keep things loose and breathable to help you run between the waffle station and the noodle bar with ease.
A great thing about buffets is that, like their namesake Warren Buffett, they are possessors of a great wealth that they feel an obligation to share, not to hoard. In your frenzied desire to sample all of the seemingly unending delights offered up to you at these cornucopias of modern gourmet cuisine, you may end up sharing this wealth with your dress or skirt (or culottes or palazzo pants, I’m not here to judge). Fortunately, the trend gods have conspired to make this the summer of the glutton. Patterns are back in, y’all! We’re talkin’ leopard, we’re talkin’ polka dots, we’re talkin’ horizontal stripes. We’re not talkin’ “ethnic prints” because what does that mean and can we please stop calling them that, but we ARE talkin’ Rorschach-inspired tie dye as seen on last summer’s Kaelen collection and this summer’s Versace dresses. The pattern you choose can effect your buffet experience for the positive, camouflaging both stains and bulges that are the possible hazards of the buffet diner’s trade. A busy, dark pattern will help things along immensely, taking your dinner companions from “Is that gravy?” to “Those are roses, right? And probably not gravy? Although if it’s gravy that’s fine, I have ice cream in my hair.” Keep things loose and breathable to help you run between the waffle station and the noodle bar with ease.
Get things under control
Sure, you want to go light and air-y on the outside, but sometimes it’s nice to be firmly hugged underneath. Never be ashamed of a control top. You are a woman in control! Remember Joey’s turkey eating pants? Shapewear, intense leggings and their ilk are a friendly version of that, as well as a good barometer of how you’re doing. Remember: you can always take them off and put them in your purse, that is a very common move that we have all performed in the past, no judge-o. Basically, eat up until your tights can take it no longer. Then decide if it is time to tip the rest of your tray into your purse and head home for a night of meat sweats or to simply excuse yourself like a lady and take your tights off in the bathroom. You’re a grown up, I trust you to know what to do.
Come prepared
Have a plan. BYO napkins, BYO sporks, BYOBB (the extra b is for BYOBOOB.) A great thing about buffets is that, like their namesake Buffett Rule, they support reasonable taxation for the uber-wealthy and would be totally cool with you smuggling a full bottle of wine with you in your inflatable, liquid-filled bra.* Wear comfortable shoes in case you have to stand in line, and pack some tupperware if you plan on taking anything spill-y home with you. This is not going to be the proudest day of your life, but it will certainly be one of your most delicious. My thoughts and prayers go out to you and your Spanx during this difficult time. Bon appétit!
*As far as I am aware, general buffet restaurants are not particularly cool with either of these things, please do not attempt. (Or do, and I’ll high five you at a later date.)
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Monica Heisey is a writer and comedian from Toronto. She has also written for VICE, Huffington Post, and She Does the City. Follow her on Twitter @monicaheisey.
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