Anyone can adjust what’s on the runway for use in their everyday wardrobe. Obviously this is ideal fashionable-yet-functional attire for your next woodland hike and like, hello, wear this to a fun long weekend picnic, but what do you wear when things turn–as they so often do–completely to shit? This column is here to help. Welcome to Runway to (Shit Just Got) Real Life. You’re welcome in advance.
What to wear to: Secret drinks
I know you know what I’m talking about. Secret drinks. Sneaky drinks. The kind you agree to via a text message that you delete immediately after sending it. The kind for which you agree to meet somewhere weird–north of Bloor?–so as not to run into anyone you know. The kind where you and the person you’re meeting up with used to full-on do it, or might later, and it’s not allowed. Maybe they’re your teacher. Or your ex. Or that guy from work about whom you’re all like “What, me and Paul? Ha! Hahahahha haaaa! That is too funny. What a lark. As IF. I’ll have to tell him you said that tonight when he texts me on the way home from the bar, as is his wont. Haha, Paul.”
You’ll tell yourself you’re not doing anything wrong, just a little drinky-poo between casual friends/former lovahs/highly-paid private assassin and mark, but afterwards you are going to have to saunter into your apartment all “I stopped by my sister’s place for some tea, then we got talking about… dogs… and whew, I guess we sure lost track of time! Stop looking at me like that. Where did that bourbon smell come from?” No matter how bulletproof your cover, paranoia will take over. You’ll end up in a full blown Tell-Tale Heart scenario, with the beating coming from inside your closet. Why would you wear studded spike heels out to casual after work drinks? Would your mom really be interested in that full velvet dress? ARE YOU TRYING TO SEDUCE YOUR MOM?? Even if you’re the best liar in the world, the holes in your story will start to show. That is, unless you can distract them with something like this. Allons-y.
The book of Revelation
Cleavage gets a lot of the glory, sex appeal-wise. It’s the body part that most sessy clothes are designed to highlight, the acceptable way to force people to imagine what you might look like naked. It’s also super easy to spot as a flirting tactic. Consider less traditional, but equally sexy body parts to display, starting with the weenis and moving right along to the overlooked Other Cleavages: butt and toe. Slash your jeans and get some hot knee action poppin’, or dig out your old bathing suit cover up with a picture of a hot bikini babe on the front. Crop tops are really having a mo’, so you should be able to bare some upper midriff without causing too much concern. This is about tactical reveals, people. Raising eyebrows (ETC. ;)) without raising suspicions.
Big ol’ undies
I’m not giving you fashion advice for an actual affair, those cross the line from “pretty much a terrible person” to “yep, you’re brutal,” and it’s not my place to say. Probably just wear a trench coat and nothing else to those? For this kind of thing, the titillation has very little to do with actual tits (that’s where that word comes from, right?) and more with the knowledge that you could… but you won’t. So it doesn’t matter what kind of undergarments you’re sporting, and big ugly briefs might actually help make your case upon your late return to your boyfriend’s house. No one conducts an affair–of the body or mind–in giant batman undies. No one but a GENIUS!
Sneaky fabrics
Okay, I’m picturing some sort of transition lenses for fabric here, which I am 99% certain does not exist, but can you imaaaagine? I suppose it’s for the best. Transition lenses are basically the shifty uncle of the optical world. [UPDATE: it does exist! Almost. Soon. A dress that turns sheer when the wearer is aroused. To be honest this sounds both very silly and highly inconvenient, like it would commit you to a lot of hook ups that might otherwise have been fleeting fancies in your crotch’s eye. “I mean, I was thinking about it, but now my dress has gone see-through, so I feel like we might as well go for it… or let’s talk about something very boring until it opaques back up so I can go outside? Can I get you a space-drink?” – the flirting of the future. Grim.]
Monochromatic
The single-colour trend is the gift that keeps on giving. Specifically, it keeps on giving you the ability to spill things down yourself without anyone being the wiser. Use this gift, it is the opposite of those very fragile and possibly haunted hand-painted cat figurines your grandma keeps giving you, ie. a useful present that is suited to your needs as an adult. Rejoice and wear black and say a quiet, subdued prayer to the monochrome gods as you make your tipsy way home.
Clean face, clean slate
Remember in high school when you’d have to clean off all your cool hardcore eyeliner before going home to see your parents? JK, the only make up I ever wanted to wear in eye school was electric blue mascara (yes), on my upper lashes only (of course), with an occasional streak of the same mascara in my hair (perfect, nailed it), but you know what I mean. It won’t even matter what kind of Do Me lipstick you’ve applied or how much your eyeliner says “picture this smudged all over your pillows, also, I’ll probably be pretty embarrassed about that in the morning, happy to pay for dry cleaning;” all face paint is temporary if you’re packin’ some casual and refreshing wipes. Dust some powder over top and reapply a swipe of mascara and you’ll fresher-faced than you were when you were a fresher. Excess cleavage can’t be bronzed or wiped away, of course–unless you’re drawing on your cleav in which case we have bigger problems–so employ a light scarf or spring jacket to hide any offending extra flesh.
Good luck with your illicit flirting/secret longing/quiet, terrible breakdown of your life and marriage as you sit next to a fantasy that will never make you happy. But hey, at least you’ll look SOOO good doing it! LOL :(. Just remember: you’re a bad person, not a bad dresser.
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Monica Heisey is a writer and comedian from Toronto. She has also written for VICE, Huffington Post, and She Does the City. Follow her on Twitter @monicaheisey.
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