What to wear to: the first first day of spring

Cool weather lately, am I right guys? VERY cool. Freezing rain and snow cool! Just some fun April weather. One of the many joys of Canadian life is feeling that first day of spring after a long, drawn-out winter. Another such joy is the second first day of Spring, three weeks after the original first day was revealed to be a false alarm when it was immediately followed by mysterious April snow-showers and you regretting burning your winter coat in celebratory triumph. Also the third, fourth and fifth… you get it. The non-arrival of Spring might not seem dramatic enough to qualify as a “shit just got real” moment, but let me tell you, after months of SAD-induced stew eating under a duvet, that first grassy whiff of a change in seasons is everything to me. It is sweet lady Summer lifting up her skirt a bit to remind us that June, July, and August are coming, and she’s not wearing underwear. (I have been watching a lot of Mad Men recently and I do NOT know what that means, but Don Draper would for sure say it and I think we can agree that is reason enough to leave it where it is.) Anyway, here is what to wear while you are dealing with Nature’s mood swings. 

Modular wardrobe

No one likes that guy who comes to the office in shorts the first day it’s above freezing. Relax your chiseled calves, buddy. It’s March. However, I understand your enthusiasm, and no one can fault you for wandering around all day in a pair of shorts masquerading as pants. You’re one zip away from freedom, my friend. This season, try to only wear things that can become other things. A hat can be a purse. A pair of scissors will turn a suit jacket into a kicky waistcoat in minutes. Harem pants can double as fun, balloon-y sleeves. Go wild. 

The footwear issue

One day you’re in sandals, the next day you’re in Sorel boots. Until the fashion gods bless us with an open-toed Sorel–I can hear a chorus of chic angels singing at the very idea, come on someone, make this happen–stick with any footwear you have that you’re okay getting wet. Don’t go cray and bust out your non-wrecked summer shoes until you are certain the cruel hands of the road salters will not be returning to our streets. When that day finally comes, gather together the sodden, stained shoes of winter, thank them for their months of difficult service, and bury them where no one will ever find them. They are gone now. No looking back. Put these on and let’s move forward together (very carefully, those are high).

Hobo-chic

A hot trend for spring/summer 2013 is being prepared. The Boy Scouts have been all over this for years, and finally fashion has caught up. Spring is dangerous: what if you’ve not heeded my advice and are caught out in a hailstorm in suede boots? What if you break out a summery linen shirt too early and your nipples start chafing like you’re halfway through a triathlon without having taped that shit up? What if you’ve been using your tights as hair-masks all season and you thought you were ready to unleash the werewolf within but actually now that the cold breeze is literally rustling through your leg hair you are wildly uncomfortable? The key to surviving the seasonal transition period is a big, hobo-style bag, also known as a bindle. Simply find a stick in the woods, whittle it down to the desired thickness, and tie your neckerchief around one end to carry your possessions as you ride the rails to greener pastures. Or pop this ludicrous Chanel thing on and stick some sunscreen and an umbrella in there, but I’d go with the bindle.

Stay positive

There will be many first days of spring. Be as enthusiastic each time, and mirror this enthusiasm in your wardrobe choices. Prada is into florals right now. Are you better than Prada? This coat will keep off late-April sleet but also subtly broadcast the message to the earth that it needs to smarten up and move on. (Mother Earth is way tuned into fashion) (JK she hates us, we are killing her and ourselves.) (Keeping it light on a Tuesday night!) Anyway, if you can’t get actual flowers to bloom, fake it til you make it with rosy cheeks, floral fabrics, and the slow blossoming of your saucier summer personality.  Put some literal spring in your step by weaving bits of your garden into your boot straps. Or get some shoes with springs in them. Keep your thighs on the prize, and the prize is spriiiiiiing!

If you need me I will be outside sniffing the air for signs of pressure changes. 

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Monica Heisey is a writer and comedian from Toronto. She has also written for VICE, Huffington Post, and She Does the City. Follow her on Twitter @monicaheisey. 

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