Anyone can adjust what’s on the runway for use in their everyday wardrobe. Obviously these are super cute for family games night (like, hi, Jenga), and this is ideal for your friend’s intimate destination wedding in Florida, but what do you wear when things turn–as they so often do–completely to shit? This column is here to help. Welcome to Runway to (Shit Just Got) Real Life. You’re welcome in advance.
What to wear to: Your Crack Video
CRACK, you guys, am I right? Love it. Can’t get enough. Literally can’t ever get enough, I am making terrrrrrrible life decisions and ruining my personal and professional relationships because of it, that is what addiction is, actually turns out joking about addiction is basically as or more wack than crack itself, I feel pretty bad now. Although, Rob Ford–what is your deal, guy? You (allegedly) decided to: a) hang out with a bunch of drug dealers, b) purchase and smoke crack, and c) wear this sweatshirt throughout the entire endeavour. At this point, all of the actions discussed in the above sentence are, as indicated, alleged only. As the mayor’s lawyer has reminded us, in the crazy, no-holds barred world of the wild wild web, anything is possible. If you can’t trust a video of a bird carrying off a human baby, what can you trust?? The only thing we know for sure is: sweatshirt. Whatever the Mayor of Toronto may or may not have purchased, or may or may not have smoked with local drug dealers/gang members, we can say with 100% certainty and 0% chance of litigation that he definitely did wear that sweatshirt while smiling proudly in a photograph, and that on its own is not great. Obviously getting arrested/chucked out of office/mocked by the global media is worse, but you know. To avoid getting yourself into hot water with the world’s media, don’t smoke crack and espesh don’t document it. You probably don’t need too much advice on how to avoid the police. Like, don’t commit crimes, basically. Avoiding the fashion police (segue) is another matter entirely. This list should hopefully help you do all three.
Disguise your identity, no duh
Before heading over to your drug dealer’s house, consider the application of a mask, wig, or other fun disguise. Aside from adding a kooky twist to an everyday, hum-drum outfit, anyone describing you to the 5-0 will be woefully incorrect. Your hair’s not red! You don’t have a Batman face! No one’s nose is attached to their moustache like that! If you can’t fathom a day without a top knot and must therefore forgo a wig or scarf draped over your face (#1 fav disguise of celebs), consider a more cerebral approach. Perhaps a name tag in a prominent position on your chest? “Hello, my name is: John Doe/Joe Pantalone/DEF NOT THE MAYOR.”
Employ a statement clutch
In this case the statement is “please do not search inside my clutch, officer, merely admire it and then pass me by to search for illegal parkers and groups of low-key friends trying to enjoy one or two responsible beers in the park–they’re the real criminals.” A clutch can also be a handy place to store your daily essentials: wallet, car keys, hundreds of dollars in fives and twenties, pipe, chapstick, and a disposable camera, for the memories that matter.
Pop on some bright sneaks
‘Cuz you sneak-ay. And because you never know when you’ll need to make a run for it during this kind of thing. The comfort factor is an obvious plus–I presume a crack deal is not the most breezy of settings, so it’d probably be nice to have cool, cushioned feet while your heart raced and your face sweated and you tried and failed to catch your drug dealer’s football. Nike has asked me to note that popular slogan “just do it” does not refer to drugs of any kind. Just do hugs, everyone. Or “it,” even. Just do “it.”
Sportswear is fine, just like, put in some effort maybe
I hear you. Hoodies are comfortable. Anything that looks like you could do a sport in it is always going to be pretty cosy. Scuba stuff is happening right now, for sure, but I’m not 100% on board, and it’s not the most casual material to wear. You don’t want to look like you’re trying too hard to impress, here. Not to worry: over-sized clothing is also having a moment, so if you want to go the full comfy route, consider some big ol’ overalls or an outlandishly large dress, Ã la Margiela’s Spring/Summer 13 tent-y numbers (some of them legit look like they are probably just tarps in their spare time). I know stripes are on trend right now, but avoid this look; you will have plenty of time for it in jail if you get caught. (The film O Brother Where Art Thou was very formative to my idea of what jail is like, please do not correct this impression.)
Grandpa cardigan
No one suspects a grandpa. Why do you think they have the best illegal fireworks? This is all grandpas… right? Not just mine? He claims the trick is to launch into long and rambling speeches about the various small trinkets he has purchased for each of his grandchildren until the border control guard is just like “ENOUGH, PLEASE, Alice sounds lovely and I bet she will be overjoyed by the key chain but I have lost both my interest the contents of your vehicle and the will to live, drive on, I beg you.” Anyway, grandpas are the unlikely criminal masterminds of the world today, turns out.
Look, this is an unpleasant situation, alleged or proven. The whole ‘crackstarter’ thing is grim on a number of levels and has me feeling kind of depressed, but not as depressed as the entirety of Rob Ford’s tenure as mayor, and certainly not as depressed as the time I realized I would never be able to pull off wide-leg jeans. Do we need to see the vid? Probably not. But at least you know now that when your secret alleged drug use tape hits the ‘net, the newspaper will read “Fashionable Regular Person Caught Smoking… LOOKING SMOKING, THAT IS.” The newspaper in this example has a great copy editor. Stay cute and also off the streets, guys!
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Monica Heisey is a writer and comedian from Toronto. She has also written for VICE, Huffington Post, and She Does the City. Follow her on Twitter @monicaheisey.
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