Anyone can adjust what’s on the runway for use in their everyday wardrobe. Obviously this little number is perfect for that testicular cancer fundraiser you’re chairing, and these are the little black dress of footwear, but what do you wear when things turn–as they so often do–completely to shit? This column is here to help. Welcome to Runway to (Things Just Got) Real Life. You’re welcome in advance.
What to wear to: The Toronto Fringe Tent
It’s the most wonderful time of the year! You know the time–production teams bothering you with flyers on Bloor Street, drunk actors winding their way down Spadina, “happenings” happening all over the place… it’s the mothaf—ckinnnnn Torooooontooooo Friiiiiiiiiinge. The Festival is here, and with it another opportunity to booze and shmooze the night away in a tent in a dimly-lit alley behind Honest Ed’s. BUT WHAT TO WEAR? Dahling. One must not take this kind of thing lightly. Careers (or at least an evening’s exchange of dusty old business cards you never thought you’d get to use) are made at the Fringe Tent. Drinking cheap beer in a parking lot never looked so chic. Follow these hot fashion tips and you’ll be the classiest Fringe Gent! Or lady, but there’s not quite the same ring to it. Meet you beside a mime.
“All they need to know is: crop tops”
This is what an actor with many years of Fringe experience and classical theatre training suggested to me when I told her I was writing this article. Heed her words or say the Scottish play’s lead character’s name out loud. Get meta as hell in a FRINGED crop top and see if anyone gets your fun and cool joke. If they don’t, do not cast them in your upcoming deeply symbolic play. It’s July in Toronto, in a back alley with a bunch of hot bright young things. Things are gonna get sweaty. And very probably dance-y. Channel Chloe from Paris’ now long-gone fashion week: get that toned upper stomach out and forget about it.
PUAs have been onto this for years. But while you are not trying to trick unsuspecting women into approaching you so you can systematically lower their self-esteem to the point of them deciding against their better judgement to sleep with you, you are trying to make an interesting and bold impression that might perhaps draw a director or budding starlet to give you the ol’ double take and come over for a chat. Many items of clothing can be used to draw attention to oneself: big hat? Cravat?! BOUTONNIERE?! if it is best said in a foreign language with a bit too much accent, you are probably on the right path. Now simply swan past the conversation target of your choice and give them a runway-inspired flourish to show off your statement socks/show tiara/body chain. Repeat after me: “What, this old thing?”
Stock your bag for late nights
We talking blotting papers. We talking eye drops. We talking 5-Hour Energy Shots. (If that is your bag. I am personally deeply suspicious of anything that could be labelled ‘a potion,’ but whatever gets you through the day, no judge-o.) Bring a spare pair of underwear. Pack the rest of your bag like a Dr. Seuss book too: a book to look at while in nooks (reading material for whiling away twenty minutes between shows), a sack of shellac for your rack (temporary tattoos for your cleavage), piles upon piles of important show files (flyers, guys. flyers. Theodor Geisel I am not.) etc. etc. Rhyme it up and pop it in a backpack for easy transpo.
Wear your leftovers
Taking a bit of your show with you in your outfit is a casual, breezy way to get some on-the-street marketing happening and work up buzz for your next performance. Oh, this intense eye make up I’m sporting? It’s because I’m playing Titania all week. I happen to have a flyer right here, actually… What, this cool t-shirt? It’s for my dance troupe! We’re performing Monday–Wednesday at 7 a.m., noon and 3 a.m., do come! This slinky bodysuit? Well, I’m in a one-woman improvised musical about the genocide in the Sudan. Allow me to show you the Entr’acte…
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Monica Heisey is a writer and comedian from Toronto. She has also written for VICE, Huffington Post, and She Does the City. Follow her on Twitter @monicaheisey.
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