Anyone can adjust what’s on the runway for use in their everyday wardrobe. Obviously this is what all the most refined ladies will be wearing to afternoon tea, and this is just straight up fun beachwear (think of the tan!), but what do you wear when things turn–as they so often do–completely to shit? This column is here to help. Welcome to Runway to (Shit Just Got) Real Life. You’re welcome in advance.
What to Wear to: Your Age-Androgynous Birthday Party
Androgyny is having a moment in fashion right now. It has been for a while, if we’re honest. Ambiguity has always been a bit of a cool move, because what is cooler than keeping people guessing? That’s how to play it cool in life, love, and, of course, fash. “Who are you?” is the new “Who are you wearing?” I am all about this ambiguity, not because I am particularly concerned with being on-trend, but because I recently turned 25, and to be honest have no real desire to talk about my age ever again. As such, the rest of my birthdays from here on out shall instead be anniversaries of the time I once turned 17. Happy faketeenth birthday to me, and happy faketeenth birthday to us all! If you’re interested in celebrating your birthday but uninterested in hearing how people think you look “for your age” (honestly, if you employ this sentence on the reg please go to bed and stay there), you might want to consider an age-androgynous party. Basically the look you are going for is Prince, but for years lived instead of gender. To be honest, I could end this column right now with the phrase “the look you are going for here is Prince,” and it would apply to literally any situation that came your way in life, but sister has to pay the billz and there are a few more tips out there, if you can believe it. Still though, Prince. But also, age-androgyny! Here we go:
Youthful details
Disguising your age with traditionally Young Person elements can be tricky–nothing reads ‘old as the hills’ more than a person of a certain age dressed like they’re on their way to elementary school. And yet, some styling options previously exclusive to the fifth grade set have really opened up to us elderly (19+) folk; think fun nail art, hair bows, and crop tops. Sure, you might be turning 34, but what did you want to wear to a dance party when you were 14? You can probably get away with the same accessories, even if you’ve graduated from Superman underoos to industrial Super-Spanx. You’re trying to entice and confuse, like a Venus Fly Trap. Men among us, feel free to consider yourselves Penis Fly Traps.
Mix’n’Match decades
Oh, this 90s dress? Ha, ha, so vintage! You def borrowed this from some elderly relative, or found it at a thrift shop or had it “gifted” to you by a cool-yet-aged friend who totally remembers buying a Sugar Ray CD and loving it. But wait, didn’t you say this 80s necklace was something someone gave you in high school?? Busted. This is a hard one to pull off. Mixing some of your more contemporary clothing with vintage or vintage-inspired pieces you already own can make it harder for people to date you based on your clothes, but you might do the work for them simply by existing–I recently spent a weekend at a cottage with a full-on teenager (and some other people, this is not what it sounds like), who, upon perusal of an extremely old issue of Tiger Beat, looked up at me quizzically to ask “Was O-Town a REAL BAND?” before putting the magazine down like it was made of delicately aged papyrus that she was worried would crumble into the forgotten past if she kept reading. You can try to employ a 50s blouse to throw them off the scent or whatever, but you can’t make that stuff up.
Creams, glorious creams
“Want my advice on aging? Moisturize your neck.” – a concerned and truthful mother. This is not a fashion tip, but it is an important piece of life advice. Basically just do not stop slathering yourself with creams from age 16 onwards. Sunscreen, wrinkle cream, moisturizers, cleansers, toners. Cream it up. Potions and salves are your ally. Trust the tincture. Love the lotion. Make friends with the mud masque. I don’t care if you’re celebrating at night and you have the skin of Angelina Jolie….’s child. SPF-U, birthday betch.
Double duty items
Are those mom jeans or trendy young person high-waisted trousers? Are you rocking orthopaedic sandals or some Prada-style flatforms? Is this bold red lipstick a cougar-y choice or did you just read Lolita? No one knows. Your age is less discernible than Madonna’s real accent (or age, for that matter). You are a time-chameleon, so pop on some duds that could just as easily say ‘streetwise teen who snuck into the party’ as ‘swingin’ fifty year-old escaped from their spouse for a night on the town.’ People will be writing “Happy ??th Birthday!” on your card, signing it “yours in confusion and a desire to borrow those pants.” And really, that is the greatest gift of all. (Next to those gift cards that apply to an entire mall. So versatile.)
Birthday glitz
No matter what decade you’re celebrating or what age you’re alleging, being a bit of a tacky B on your b-day is not only allowed but somewhat of a birthday human’s prerogative. Tonight’s the night to ceeeeelebrate bad taste, come on! (do-do-do, do-do-do-do) (ahoo hooo) (do-do-do… etc.) Grab that glitzy garb you thought you could only wear on new year’s–full sparkles dress? Why not. Bejewelled purse? Pop it on. Aggressively metallic platforms? You do aging you. At this point in your life, everyone except your Most Bests has probably stopped buying you gifts, so give yourself the gift of GLAMOUR and pop on that glitter eyeliner you’ve been wondering if you can pull off. Tonight, you can. It’s every terrible yet catchy song you’ve ever heard–the biggest night of your life, where you will paradoxically drink til you can’t think straight but somehow form the best memories of your youth, doing crazy things like jumping into pools with your clothes on and shining bright like a diamond/star/sun/moon/fancy grill. “B-LIEVE IN UR PARTY / UR HEART IS A FIREWORK / SOMETHING SOMETHING YOUNG N’ BEAUTIFUL / SWAG YOLO ETC” – Drake
Canes, think about it.
Canes are for a few groups of people: the elderly, those recovering from lower-body injuries, noble wounded veterans receiving medals etc, and PIMPS. Which one are you? Think about it.
I’m not really that stressed about my age–as a wise Aaliyah once said, it ain’t nothin’ but a number–but I do think it’s a bit gauche to keep forcing people to celebrate your birthday when it just continues to happen year after year without much effort from you. And yet, birthday parties are a great way to force everyone you love to dance to the music of your choice in a venue of your planning. Surely that’s worth messing with age politics for. Dress young and old at the same time, and party that way too. Can’t wait to see you on the dance floor, dancing your face off before calling it a night at a reasonable hour to eat bad-decision junk food in your affordably priced but high-thread count sheets. Nailing it.
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Monica Heisey is a writer and comedian from Toronto. She has also written for VICE, Huffington Post, and She Does the City. Follow her on Twitter @monicaheisey.
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