Anyone can adjust what’s on the runway for use in their everyday wardrobe. Obviously this is a ready-to-wear piece destined for Androgynous Fridays at your new media workplace and this… is, but what do you wear when things turn–as they so often do–completely to shit? This column is here to help. Welcome to Runway to (Things Just Got) Real Life. You’re welcome in advance.
What to Wear to: Your sadness cave
Boo hoo to you, life has been very hard. Maybe for big reasons (the loss of a friend or family member, a bad break up, THIS economy) or maybe for not so big ones (your self esteem hurts, you just watched the first ten minutes of UP, you stubbed something), but legitimate reasons never stopped a sad person from just being straight up so sad about whatever, and it’s certainly not going to stop you now. While eventually you know you will have to pick yourself up, dust yourself off, and get back out there, eventually is not now. Now is time for the cave. The sadness cave. Pile some pillows around you, fill up a hot water bottle or twelve, bust out the Ben & Jerry’s and get ready to watch You’ve Got Mail a 28th time because it’s a Wednesday night baby, and you’re [barely] alive. But what to wear as your sadness shroud? Read on.
Dark colours
These are important for the following reasons: spills, drool, Johnny Depp, The Craft, Hamlet, grease stains, sweat stains, takeaway food, flattering contours, “these aren’t pyjamas.” Dark colours can hide a multitude of stains, and adequately reflect your mood to those around you, a la Hamlet and his emo all-black duds. Ask yourself: WWADJ (What Would Adele Wear Jogging?) (Honestly if anyone ever makes a fat joke about Adele ever again I’m gonna explode.)
Onesie, onesie, what have I donesie
You know what they say: regret is a dish best served with one long zipper.
Edible accessories
Forget the mini-totes and prim shoulder bags and ornamental clutches of the fall/winter runways. This season the only hand + bag combo you need is your hand + a bag of Cheetos. It’s more affordable than Chanel but will make you think of Karl Lagerfeld. If you’re looking for something more Louis Vuitton, I think you’ll find that Doritos are basically shaped like crunchy Vs.
Robe and slippies
Buster Bluth knows what’s up. For a night in with your hot foreign boyfriend, Shiraz, there is no greater outfit than a robe and slippers. If you have to, you can pretend you are getting in on this season’s oversized, furry outerwear trends in a giant leopard robe. And Psst… you know who makes great slippers? UGG. Did you know that? Did you possibly guess it because everyone wearing those “boots” is in full denial about a) their function and b) what year it is? Indoors and dry they are LOVELY on the feet, though.
Life is hard, fashion’s not. Please remember to bathe.
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Monica Heisey is a writer and comedian from Toronto. She has also written for VICE, Huffington Post, and She Does the City. Follow her on Twitter @monicaheisey.
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