Steve Nash gets a lap dance from Nicki Minaj

Sports have always been a problem. The world of sports is vast. No, scratch that. Every week in sports is vast. Even a 24-hour news cycle is all too vast. A problem of vast proportions.

Thankfully, nowhere is the idea of the news-loop put into more perfect practice than by the mightily incorporated wide world of sports. Even the games you can’t possibly watch, because you’re so busy voting, and watching other sports games, are nicely encapsulated for you in what’s known as the sports highlight reel.

As much promise as is offered in the highlight reel though, it’s not a perfect system, is it? After all, it wasn’t long ago that Steve Nash got a lap dance from Nicki Minaj. That’s an actual story. A couple of weeks ago at a Lil Wayne concert in Phoenix, Steve Nash was on stage, seated in a chair while Nicki Minaj did her thing. I actually can’t believe that I didn’t read the headline: Steve Nash Gets Lap Dance From Nicki Minaj all over the internet, or see it on TV. But I did not.

So consider the vital impact of a highlight reel for the best things that happen in sports: the things that get underreported or just mostly misreported, what you might have missed even during the game you were watching, even the things that happened outside of the game. Sports.

1. This past week Blue Jays pitcher Jo-Jo Reyes stretched his current streak to 24 starts without a win. Everything was looking great. Reyes himself wasn’t throwing any more pitches the other night against the Tampa Bay Rays, and the Jays held a one run lead in the 9th. Then B. J. Upton’s 2-shot homerun gave the Rays the walk-off victory. I know that baseball blogs in Toronto have been calling for Reyes to be dumped from the rotation altogether, so maybe it’s not even news. But keep in mind that, while he hasn’t won a game in 24 starts, Jo-Jo is really good at pitching, he’s in the majors after all. I don’t care how badly you’re killing it in your rec league, this is a guy who can really throw the ball. And this is a story of a very beautiful kind of failure.

2. During the Phillies-Mets game, on that fateful night when it was announced that Osama Bin Laden had been killed, the crowd broke out into chants of “USA! USA!” Of importance here is that this was possibly the first time there was a highlight on a sports reel of people reading the news on their smart phones. It also reinforces the idea that the truly interesting things that happen in baseball happen off the diamond.

3. In the NBA, superstar point guard for the Chicago Bulls Derek Rose was named the league’s youngest MVP ever. He’s been nothing short of astounding all season long, conjuring memories of Allen Iverson, the way he continually torches all opponents, scoring at will despite being smaller than the defenses he faces. But Rose doesn’t have the thugged-out stature that Iverson commanded, and this was never more apparent than when Rose nearly broke down and sobbed while thanking his Mom, who made everything he has accomplished possible, during his MVP award acceptance speech. This isn’t even funny, it’s simply awesome. Because I love it when sports figures cry.

4. Try-outs for the new Toronto franchise in the Lingerie Football League are underway. This brings me to my real point: Toronto has a franchise in the Lingerie Football League. The schedule has been announced. Our team is called the Toronto Triumph. It’s also been brought to my attention that the girls playing in the league don’t actually even get paid. If this is true, I don’t have any idea how to process this information. At all. Whose Toronto is this? Wait, I don’t want to know.

5. After the massive spectacle that was the first UFC event sanctioned in Toronto mixed martial arts fans were still somehow undersatisfied. The aftermath included everyone being bored (from the main event fight featuring Georges St Pierre) and then vandalizing an American Apparel store. It’s not fair to pick on fight fans, but the fact of the matter is that these (underwear models wearing shoulder pads, etc) are the sports stories Toronto has going right now. We’re in the midst of the NHL and the NBA playoffs, and where the hell are we? There’s always next year Toronto, but in the meantime, my softball season is just getting underway (I’m going to be first base), and if someone could just explain to me what sport the Argos play…