Toronto has been ranked by ESPN as pretty much the worst city in North America for pro sports teams, based on the emotional and financial investment of fans and teams’ actual success. At least now that it’s summer, and the Leafs and Raptors are temporarily unable to cause us more misery, we can stop watching other people play sports and get out there to do some ourselves.
And boy, here at the Standard, the end of June can only mean one thing when it comes to participatory sports… a brand of gladiatorship like no other: the World Egg Throwing Championships. This weekend, on June 26, teams from around the world will descend on the small village of Swaton in Lincolnshire, England, for the event’s sixth instalment. “More exciting than the javelin, shot put or hammer, egg tossing is a sport that combines the skill of cricket, baseball and bobsleigh into one eggstreme sport.” Those aren’t my words. They belong to the president of the World Egg Throwing Federation (yes, there is a federation) — Mr. Andy Dunlop. According to our recent online chit-chat, the Dutch are the ones to beat this year, though we can take some pride in the fact one team of Canadian egg tossers are taking part.
Egg tossing is broken up into five disciplines: Throw and Catch. (two person team), Target Throwing (individual), Russian Egg Roulette (individual), Egg Trebuchet (team event) and the 11-person Static Relay (Team event). It’s all taken very seriously and the proud victors will be awarded the much converted Tosser’s Cup. Let’s hope our countrymen can put on a decent show and ably represent all Canada’s aspiring egg throwers. Which makes us pause: What are some of the other sports we might be good at? Or ones we could do better in?
Beer Regatta: As industrious and thirsty as we are, you’d think Canadians might have a shot contending for a top spot at the Beer Can Regatta. Since 1974, Darwin, Australia — which has one of the highest beer consumptions per capita in the world — has hosted this race in which all the water crafts are constructed from empty aluminium cans. It’s a pretty simply race around a buoy and back, that is before more beer is consumed and someone sparks up the barby. Start saving those cans and maybe we’ll see you down at Lake Ontario, for our very own Toronto beer can regatta.
Beer Sculling: Another sport invented by the Aussies. And fittingly this one really invents no pretence beyond simply drinking as much as you can. If you just like the beer drinking bit, try Beer Sculling, another sport invented by Aussies. Rules demand no spillage or throwing up and the glass must be empty before proceeding to the next helping. Past Australian sculling champs include former Prime Minister Robert (The Bob) Hawke, who once drank 2.5 pints of beer in 11 seconds. And while on this hoppy subject, there is The Real Ale Wobble, an annual mountain bike race event as part of the Annual Mid Wales Beer Festival. Cyclists have a choice of 15, 25 or 35-mile distances and are refreshed with regular beer checkpoints along the route. Rain and mud are the traditional weather conditions, which could make those beer goggles even harder to see through.
Canine Freestyle Dancing: Now this one we can be proud of. Canine Freestyle Dancing combines a mixture of obedience training, tricks and dance choreography; one of the first people to get their groove on with their dog was Val Culpin of British Columbia, and the Musical Canine Sports International was founded in Vancouver in 1991. Since then, the sport has spread like fleas throughout the dog-loving world, with hopes of one day becoming an official Olympic event. For those who aspire to do the doggie boogie, contact It’s a Dog’s Life; workshops are held in High Park.
Chess Boxing: A mad Dane came up with this one, which is exactly as it sounds, a match alternating between rounds of boxing and chess. A checkmate or a knockout is enough to decide the winner, and a match can last as long as 11 rounds. Some say the inspiration for this unusual sport came from the graphic novel Froid quateur, and Wu-Tang Clan’s RZA is reputedly a chess boxing fanatic (hence the track “Da Mystery of Chessboxin“). SeeEngland vs Canada duking and castling here.
Canal Jumping: Perhaps we suffer from a lack of facilities to really contend at this sport, since our canals are often too wide to plausibly clear. But that shouldn’t stop us from taking a good run up and see how far we can throw ourselves across bogs and rivers. Of course, it’s the Dutch who lead the way with leaping canals, in an event they call Fierljeppen. Much like the pole-vault, the competitor grips his 3 to 5-metre-long pole, charges toward the canal, plants his pole in the water and attempts his vault to the opposite side.
Hairiest Back: Hairy back competitions are flourishing across North America as half-time distractions at minor sporting fixtures. Are you follicularly blessed and happy to flaunt it to the crowd at a go-kart race or a minor league baseball game? Do you have the wool?
Pie Eating: We Canadians enjoy anything wrapped in bread or pastry, so it boggles the mind why we lag in the rankings at the World Pie Eating Championships. Held annually at Harry’s Bar in Wigham, England, this tournament of eating skill, features regulation sized meat and potato pies measuring 12 cm in diameter with a depth of 3.5 cm. (A non-meat option was added not long ago after “relentless pressure” from the vegetarian lobby.) The record is held by one Neil Collier, who in 2010 ate a single pie in 23.91 seconds. Recently, the sport’s been racked by controversy; government pressured organizers to change the competition from the total quantity of pies eaten over a set period to the fastest swallowing of a single pie. So come on Canada! Lets diversify from the hot dog and burger and teach the Brits a thing or two.
