(Scott Pilgrim) One of the reasons the video game world is now buzzing about crime drama L.A. Noire (besides the eerilyrealistic faces) is its remarkably realistic recreation of 1940s Los Angeles. But while cities like L.A., New York and Rome have been all accurately depicted in 3D, Toronto has been far less prominent in the virtual realm. The best we’ve gotten so far is onelevel in the Scott Pilgrim game which, while all sorts of fun and retro, isn’t exactly the same as this. But what would a video game set in Toronto be about? Where would it take place? What would you do? Well, being the ever-helpful sort here at the Standard, we decided to give game developers a few ideas, gratis. GTA: Hipster’s Paradise In this open world adventure set in Parkdale, control Emmet and Fern as they search out the bands you don’t know about, locally sourced organic produce, and the dessert treats that make cupcakes and whoopee pies seem so last week. Amass extra points for popularizing “ethnic stuff” while carefully monitoring the balance between your Authenticity Meter and Ironic Detachment Level. Due to the game’s interminable development cycle, by its release Dundas West is “totally over” but short day trips to Dupont will get you a hipster achievement. In an oddly artistic, sincere twist, the game’s ending credits loop a YouTube video of the 21st century’s most profound philosophical statement: it‘sokaytonotlikethings, butdon‘tbeadickaboutit. Forditron: Vengeance A real-time strategy game with the mechanics of Starcraft but the ethos of Command and Conquer. No, literally. Command Forditron’s various units to slowly take over the city. Send in your elite Adamsmithbots to sell parcels of the waterfront as a timer to 2012’s budget crisis counts down. Build bridges to move your people into key areas, but make sure they’re as utilitarian as possible. Remember! In this game, bridges are for regular walking, not fancy walking. The Scarborough Trail Eschewing the adventure roots of TheOregonTrail for what experts call “balls-out action,” this is a game in which Annex-dwelling university professors arm themselves with laser rifles and head east of Pape into a land a mystical land called “Scarborough” to confront their mortal fear called “I’m-totally-not-threatened-by-this-version-of-diversity.” Call of Duty: Suburban Zombie Warfare Activision’s multibillion-dollar franchise takes a radical new direction when it leaves the Middle East only to find itself in the midst of a zombie outbreak in York Region. The undead hordes seem inexplicably drawn to Vaughan Mills Mall, where they line up in surprising calm to get great deals on brand-name clothing and, we quote, “Braaaaaiiiiins.” Your job as US Marine John McTestosterone is to mow down these zombies and make witty wisecracks, though advancements in technology mean you don’t necessarily have to do it in that order. Beat the game by destroying key roads and highways that allow the zombie masses to head downtown on Friday and Saturday nights. Zaxagon: Jane Jacob’s Revenge In this retro 2D shooter, pilot the ghost of Jane Jacobs (not a metaphor) to take on an incoming wave of condo developers and chain stores that destroy the natural balance of urban spaces. Apparently. Your final mission is to destroy the psychological wall (not a metaphor) that separates the city from the waterfront. Trinity Bellwoods 5: Hacky Sack Redux In this Kinect-controlled multiplayer game, you find yourself in a beautifully rendered, verdant Queen West landscape, touched with soft bloom effects and haze, playing virtual hacky sack. No, that’s it. Yes, it’s just as boring as it sounds.
