You’re like me. Because you love Slamball. Because you understand why Danica Patrick takes all that ibuprofen. Because you knew Jo-Jo Reyes would be Sheenin’ it before long anyway. You were surprisingly moved by what Bill Simmons wrote in honour of the late Randy “Macho Man” Savage. You’re already booking time off for your catfish noodling trip this summer — if it ends up being legalized in Texas. In other words, it’s been a busy week.
You’ve been keeping your head down, ferociously working out your bold but nonsensical predictions for when Novak Djokovich’s rapturous streak of consecutive matches won would come to an end. All in order to draw attention to yourself and raise millions for your cause — only to get drastically rebuked, winding up hidden away in a motel room, revising your mathematics. And during it all, what have you missed in the wider world of sports?
1. Overages. I know that the Kevin Bieksa goal wasn’t left off of anybody’s highlight package for the week, but think about it like this: two out of 5,418. Vancouver and San Jose played for more than 38 extra minutes on Tuesday night. Vancouver has played a lot of hockey this postseason already. That night alone they skated for 5,418 seconds. But there were about two of those seconds that were lost to just about everybody. After the strangest of bounces, nobody even knew where the puck was for two seconds. Forget the referees, not even the camera was following it. Until it ended up on Bieksa’s stick. That let Vancouver cap their night at 5,418 seconds. And sends them on to play for the Cup.
2. One of these things is just like the other. I already mentioned Jo-Jo Reyes styling his hair in the manner of fictitious baseball great Rick “Wild Thing” Vaughn. Wednesday night Reyes moved into a three-way tie for first place in the all time race for most starts pitched in the majors without a win. It was last Friday that Reyes debuted his zig-zag hairstyle, and pitched to a two run lead over seven innings, but it still hasn’t paid off with a win. Hairstyle-based predictions don’t go well. In 2007 Lamar Odom opened the season for the Lakers with a star shaved into his head, just to put it out there in the universe that he felt it was his year to be named to the all-star team. How well is a tattoo going to go over?
3. The Puppet Master. The Los Angeles Lakers have announced Mike Brown as their new head coach, filling the vacancy left by Phil Jackson. Maybe he’ll teach Kobe how to stand still by himself at the half-court line. (Brown previously coached Lebron James in Cleveland, and seemed to understand nothing about offense other than a one-on-one isolation over and over again.) Already Brown is being called small-footed in relation the big empty shoes of Jackson. But I welcome this story as a distraction from the fact that Lebron’s current team might well be on their way to a championship. I don’t really want to think about that. Another thing that bothers me about these NBA playoffs are the talking basketball commercials. I miss the glory days of puppet Lebron squaring off against puppet Kobe.
4. The grass is growing in Paris, France. Is the early-round tennis at the French Open not exciting enough for you, despite the collapse of Clijsters, the return of Federer’s prominence, the Djokovic watch? Well, just wait until the drama surrounding the botanical gardens neighbouring Roland Garros really heats up. Bertrand Delanoe, mayor of the city of Paris, has already sought to head off any controversy about the matter. He assures everyone that during the renovations Roland Garros will soon undergo (projected to be completed in 2016), expanding the grounds from the existing 21.3 acres to 33.8, no trees or flowers will be harmed at all. I repeat.
5. A warmer climate. Toronto Raptor power forward/centre, former number one draft pick, Andrea Bargnani has announced that he wants to stay in Toronto. Because, as he puts it, that’s the politically correct answer. So he’s basically gone already, right? It’s time to focus our energy now on his possible replacement, one Enes Kantor. If we can even still get him after the Raptors fell to the fifth spot in the draft. By rights we were the third worst team in the league last year, not fifth.
