I didn’t prank anyone this April 1st, which I regret, but not too much, because I suck at deception. I have never pulled off a successful deceit, although it’s possible I pulled off one so great that even I didn’t know about it. If that’s the case, my life is a lot more interesting than I thought and maybe I can stop tweeting about the fruit I’m eating and how many times in a row I’ve listened to Ashley MacIsaac’s “Sleepy Maggie.”
The reason I suck at deception is because I’m terrified of lying. I am so afraid of lying that sometimes I worry about lying by accident, having deceived myself about the things I believe to be true. Technically I used to lie about my age to buy cigarettes, but it wasn’t really lying because the stores that actually sold me cigarettes didn’t actually care that I was underage. And I once suggested I was over the age of 13 to an older guy I had a crush on, but I think he knew the truth and I think he was into it, which, in hindsight, was his bad.
In lieu of a great April Fool’s prank, I have compiled a list of my greatest deceits, which is itself a deception because these were terrible deceits.
THE CRANK CALL
At a party in Grade 7, I watched my friend Alex “Morris” call a random number and ask if Alex Morris was home, and whether they were sure about that, and were they really, really sure, because he was sure he had dialed right for Alex Morris. He made crank calling look so easy that I decided to give it a go. I looked up a “Will Smith” in the phone book and asked for Will Smith. When the guy said, “This is Will Smith,” I blurted, “I love your movies” then burst out giggling and hung up.
THE CANDY MAN
When I was a kid, my dad’s friend had twin sons who I used to try to hang out with. They usually ignored me, because 10-year-old boys don’t want to hang out with 10-year-old girls. Wherever they are now, I hope they know that I don’t want to hang out with them anymore. Once, after they had ignored me for a good hour and a half, I got bored and decided to rush at them all freaked out, with a story about a strange man who had come to the door selling candy and then pushed past me into the house. They found baseball bats and spent an hour trying to hunt the guy down before giving up and telling our dads, who took it very seriously. I confessed after failing to dissuade them from calling the police.
THE GYM OUTFIT
In Grade 3, the girls at school who were better at being girls would come to gym class wearing gym outfits. I wanted to be like them, but I didn’t have a gym outfit, so I improvised with coloured stockings and a bathing suit. I wore these under my street clothes, which I removed before gym class, then I jogged into the gymnasium and did two laps before realizing that my friends were pointing at me and laughing hysterically. So I ran back to the bathroom to change back and cry.
After a few minutes, one of my friends came in to look for me, and I tried to save face by telling her I had been in the washroom the whole time and that the girl in the gym suit had been my evil twin. At first it seemed like she might believe me, but then she furrowed her brow and yanked up my shirt to find the bathing suit underneath. She ran screaming out of the washroom, which doesn’t make sense, but it’s what I remember. Three years later I would punch her in the head during basketball tryouts, which is one of my deepest regrets.
THE LOVER
Five years ago, I wrote an article about a dude, let’s call him Dingus the Believer, who hit on lots of women and had a whole philosophy about getting them to have sex with him, as well as a philosophy about how you can’t get AIDS from heterosexual contact. My boyfriend at the time, who I will call Shlomo, wasn’t crazy about all the time I was spending with Dingus, but he sucked it up because he was a very good boyfriend.
That April Fool’s Day, I called Shlomo and told him, through fake tears, that I had secretly succumbed to Dingus’s advances. Shlomo didn’t say much. He just murmured “Oh God” a bunch of times, and then stammered, “How could you do this?” I told him I was sorry and I hated myself and I would never do it again, but Dingus’s sexual power was just too strong. Then I yelled, “April Fool’s!” Shlomo didn’t laugh, though. Instead, he dry heaved.
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Alexandra Molotkow writes about life and stuff for Toronto Standard. Follow her on Twitter at @alexmolotkow.
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