Starting to write my 30th Ideas Free to a Good Home post, I was tempted to compare myself to Derek Jeter and his recent 3,000th hit. But I decided that might not strike the right note of humility; aside from both reaching arbitrary round-numbered milestones, the only thing we really have in common is my loathing for both of us.
Hitting the big 3-0 isn’t an entirely arbitrary milestone, however. This post pushes me past the 29 written by Eustace Howarth 161 years ago in the original Standard’s award-winning “Mental Perambulations Proffered For Non-Compensated Uptake” column. I am truly humbled to be in such august company.
Every now and then a friend or family member will approach me with an idea. Some, like my sister’s dental floss idea, are great. Some, like my friend Drew’s “Donate your clothes to Value Village when they’re dirty, then buy them back once they’ve been dry cleaned,” are less so.
A couple of friends had the beginnings of an idea for an annuity program for hitmen. Spreading guaranteed payments out over time instead of a lump sum, they felt, would lessen your chances of being caught and having one massive deposit in your bank account held against you. They could never find a way to make it work, possibly because that’s not how hitmen get convicted, but it got me thinking about hitmen.
My idea isn’t for a way for improving hitmen. It’s for a new fictional hitman character: the environmentally-sensitive hitman. I’m not imagining someone who only whacks polluters and the like, but rather someone whose line of work happens to be assassination who also happens to be very concerned with the health of the planet.
It could be a character in a movie. More likely it’s a character in a Larry Sanders “Aging Batman”-esque late night sketch. Nevertheless, I find the idea of a sniper making his getaway on a bike amusing. Only after he made sure to pick up all his shell casings of course. Are there non-lead based bullets? Could he use methods that have a smaller carbon footprint? Could the producers of “Grosse Point Blank 2: An Inconvenient Blank” can give me a few points from opening weekend to thank me?
Ideas Free to a Good Home is a clearinghouse of ideas we’re too lazy to develop ourselves.
