There are many ways that ad writers like me are different from other writers. So different, in fact, that if you asked the two groups to list how they differ, their lists would be entirely different. High up on other writers’ lists might be things like “ability to write more than 100 consecutive words,” and “lack of whorishness.” My list is topped by “bi-monthly paycheque,” and “dental plan.” But one nuts-and-bolts difference is that ad writers are almost always surrounded by other ad writers*. We’re constantly bouncing things off each other: headlines, most of them lousy (in every sense of the word) with puns, ideas for radio ads, particularly poetic turns of phrase for describing the nutritional content of diet lemonade… and, in several of the agencies where I’ve worked, attempts to improve on the day’s Toronto Sun front page headline. It is usually difficult to top whoever writes the Sun’s actual headlines. “Red Light Green Light” for last September’s court decision essentially striking down prostitution laws stands out as a particularly excellent recent example. (Editor’s favourite, circa 1997: “Ryerson Prof: I’m a Hooker”) Such is the ephemeral nature of this game that the only one of my contributions that has survived in anyone’s inbox is a truly woeful one. The day after Kathryn Bigelow’s big Oscar haul last year, I suggested “Hurt So Good.” I am not proud of this. In fact, I’m deeply, deeply ashamed of it. I wish I had held onto all the other brilliant (trust me) ones I’ve dashed off over the years. So I’m proposing a way of giving them some permanence: a Toronto Sun Front Page Generator. Upload a photo, type in a headline, and hit “Submit” to have it popped into a typical Sun layout, complete with a smaller headline kvetching about Ron Wilson and teasers for photos of Amber on page 3 and Lotto Max numbers on page 7. Given the momentousness of the news lately, it seems timely. Most of my election night will be spent trying to figure out how tomorrow’s page will read. If the Tories lose Thornill and Vaughan, could it be “Harper’s Valley: GTA”? If I had a front page generator, it definitely would. It’s not like these things don’t already exist. From lolcat generators to church sign generators, they’re all over the internet. But none for the cover of the Sun. This is not, I acknowledge, a million-dollar idea. But it’s certainly one that needs to exist. Could one of our readers please make it so? Glory, if not fortune, awaits [*Of course, that may be the case at newspapers, come to think of it. My knowledge of how newsrooms work is based entirely on All the President’s Men. Things may have changed since then.] Ideas Free to a Good Home is a clearinghouse of ideas we’re too lazy to develop ourselves.
