Rod, one of the stars of Avenue Q
With a new production of Avenue Q opening tonight at the Lower Ossington Theatre, Toronto Standard wanted to see if news from the outside world has at all affected life in the puppetbourhood. We spoke with Rod, an uptight blue puppet who, with his friend (minder?) Stephen Amon close at hand, seemed reluctant to divulge every detail of his life to us. We pressed him on his relationship with Mayor Rob Ford, his impression of disgraced Montreal Mayor Michael Applebaum and his thoughts on the NSA’s invasive surveillance practices.
Hi there.
Oh, hi.
How’s it going. What’s your name? It’s nice to meet you. I’m Mike.
I’m Rod
Tell me about yourself.
Oh! Well, I’m a Republican and I’ve been working as an investment banker for a few years now. I started when I was quite young really, my father got me into it, it’s kind of a family thing.
Sort of nepotism in action
Oh yes.
You’re obviously part of this production, Avenue Q. It’s an exciting show, seems like it’s going to be a lot of fun, but don’t you think it’s a little insensitive to be putting on such a fun, frilly, silly show right in the midst of all this terrible news we’re hearing these days?
Oh well you know, all these crazy liberals these days. I would rather focus on what’s going on, but I guess it’s really Nicky who forced me into doing this, He’s my roommate.
Oh okay, tell me about Nicky.
He’s kind of green. And beautiful, in a no homo way.
Fair enough.
He’s just kind of irritating some times… Ugh! We’re total opposites.
Sounds like the original odd couple. But I was wondering with all this stuff going on in the news, I wonder what a puppet like yourself — can I say puppet? — thinks about these big goings-on? Does it affect you? Specifically, the big story everyone’s talking about, the NSA, turns out they’ve been monitoring our communications. Did you know about this?
(nervous) No.
(laughs) Oh… Wait, did you know about this?
(silently shakes head).
Oh okay, of course, no one did. Well what do you think about it? Do you have anything to hide?
(extremely nervous) No. Never. No. Uh. It’s fine. I — I — I — I… uhhhhhmmm. Next question!
I understand, it’s nerve wracking for all of us.
It’s just a horrible event.
Well, what do you think of the whistleblower, Edward Snowden? He sort of looks like you, he’s sort of a handsome young guy. Wears glasses. But is he a hero or a traitor? If you were in his position and saw that the government was doing something that most people wouldn’t agree with, would you feel the need to go public?
Well the government is usually in control of things, you just to let them do their thing. If the government was doing something wrong, they should have told us. So we shouldn’t have to deal with that.
So you’re saying that you’ve got nothing to hide and that if some of your personal communications were to come out it wouldn’t be a big deal?
(nodding, shaking) mmmmmmmhhhhmmmmmm. Everything’s fine.
I’m glad to hear that. A little closer to home, we’ve been hearing a lot about Montreal Mayor Michael Applebaum, who has just been arrested.
Oh!
Have you ever been to Montreal, do you do shows there?
No, unfortunately.
You don’t visit the seedier parts of town, the strip clubs, that’s not your scene?
Strip clubs, what are those?
I don’t mean to be rude and pry, that’s not what this interview is about. Apparently he was accepting bribes in exchange for construction permits approvals. What do you think of that?
He shouldn’t have got caught. That’s a lot of it.
What about you, have you ever been approached with a bribe?
No, a lot of people don’t come to me yet. I still live on Avenue Q. And that’s saying something.
It’s not exactly a hub for power brokers.
So I haven’t been approached, but if the bribe was good enough.
Rod, left, and his friend Stephen AmonI see. What about right here at home, our very own mayor Rob Ford – I’m sure you know Rob Ford.
Oh yes, I voted for him!
I bet you did. As a conservative, you probably agree with his fiscally prudent platform. But there are all these salacious rumours going around that maybe he’s smoking crack. Is that something you’ve ever come across? Do you see that kind of thing on Avenue Q?
Yes actually, Gary Coleman said recently that he found someone in his basement, I don’t know, something sketchy, I don’t know, I don’t really listen to him. He’s a–hoo — But I don’t think it’s something to worry about.
No?
I don’t think he did.
Even with all the evidence that seems to be piling up. The police leaks and stuff like that…
Evidence Schmevidence. What is that?
Have you ever smoked crack?
(indignant) No! Of course not!
I don’t mean to be forward, but maybe you hang out with Rob Ford?
Well on occasion we hang out. But it never gets anywhere farther then that.
What’s that like?
You know… he’s a nice guy.
You don’t seem very willing to divulge—
It’s a work thing.
You pass him in the hallway, that kind of thing?
Of course.
Well, alright. Is there anything else you’d like to say? I feel like you’re hiding something from me, Rod
Nooooooo.
No?
Not at all.
There’s nothing salacious going on underneath your felt that needs to be exposed?
Nothing.
I mean, I’m a hard-hitting journalist here.
Hard-hitting?
Yeah, have you not felt the pressure? This is my a-game.
Pressure, oh no, what pressure?
You seem very nervous.
I, uh, it’s, uh, it’s a tick.
Maybe pre-show nerves?
Yes! Yes, we’re in dress rehearsal, so it’s quite stressful you know. (breathes very heavy)
I didn’t know puppets could sweat, it seems like you’re breaking into one.
It’s just I spilled something earlier.
Under both of your armpits?
Yes.
Okay, Rod I won’t take up too much more of your time, but is there anything else you want our great readers to know?
Oh well, it’s a great show, there’s lots of fun dancing and singing and box steps, you know the whole sha-bang! It’s lots of musical numbers, which I’m quite fond of myself.
Okay… You’re sure there’s nothing want to tell me? Some dark secret, burning on the inside of you, that you just want to get out, that you just want to share with the whole world?
(Silence)
Nothing?
…Nope!
Alright, you seem like a good guy Rod. Thank you very much.
(huge sigh)
Avenue Q opens tonight at the Lower Ossington Theatre, 8pm. For more details go to avenueq.ca
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Michael Kolberg is The Sprawl Editor at Toronto Standard. Follow him on Twitter for jokes @mikeykolberg.
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