My feline is a loveable idiot who thinks he’s my boyfriend. I know his neediness stems from life as a house cat, and I’ve tried buying him toys and distractions. However, he seems hell bent on having an audience with me. I’ve thought about getting another cat to keep him company, but what if new cat is equally time-demanding? I’m anxious to solve this issue so I can finally get a proper night’s sleep.
Well, Furball, your first mistake is assuming that you know what a cat is thinking. While your cat’s “neediness” technically stems from its status as a house cat, that one-word description is much too general. It should be clear to you that your cat’s neediness is directly related to its need to be fed by you, taken to the vet by you, provided a warm home by you, and basically given free massages all day long. A cat isn’t like a child, who (ideally) will eventually move out and (hopefully) provide you with money when you get old. No, a cat is the exact opposite of that — it’s a child that relies on you for the entirety of its life, growing old five times as fast and getting much lazier with each passing year.
By now, your cat is used to you being there to give it all the attention it wants. In theory, introducing another cat into the environment makes sense, but the chances of it doing you any good are slim. I know that if I had someone to stroke my head and cuddle with me at whim, I’d be pretty annoyed if some other weasel came into the mix and cut my attention in half. I would probably be inclined to bite my competition in the face.
My life experience has taught me that there are three types of cats: Needy, Jerk, and Shy. Needy is overly nice, and… really annoying. Jerk doesn’t care about anything or anybody. Shy usually stays under the couch. You never know what kind of cat you’re going to get in the lottery of cat ownership.
Just for fun, let’s listen in on an anthropomorphic cat family’s conversation. Maybe we’ll get some idea of how the cat types might interact.
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Annoying: Hi honey! I’m going to rub up against you now, and I will continue to do it until you leave.
Jerk: Please don’t come near me ever. Just get me some food and leave it in a bowl and go away forever.
Annoying: Your words mean nothing to me. I am going to just keep rubbing up on you, ok? Meow meow meow!
Jerk: I am seriously not interested in you or anything else, and pretty soon I am going to either bite you or scratch you for no reason. Actually, I’ve changed my mind. For a minute or so I will pretend like I enjoy your company.
Annoying: OUCH! You have just bitten me, but I lack the intellect to understand what you meant by it. That said, here I am again by your side trying to get you to rub me!
Jerk: I am going under the couch now. If you try to come under, my paw is going to come out a little bit and try to scratch you. I will also utter an elongated meow and follow it with a hiss. I am a total jerk, don’t you understand? This whole situation is horrible for you because it is very difficult to get rid of me. You have convinced yourself that marrying me was a good idea, and now no one can convince you otherwise.
Annoying: Oh, hi, it’s the middle of the night and I need attention and food and I am going to meow until I get it. Hahahahah, this is fun!!!
Shy: …… who… who’s that? Oh god, oh god, oh god, oh god, oh my god am I dying?
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Just go ahead and get another cat, Furball, we both know you are going to anyway.
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Kirk Heron is Toronto Standard‘s advice columnist. Follow him on Twitter at @ohnowhattodo.
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