Illustration by Tiffy Thompson
To be fair, I’ve been a horrible roommate before. I’ve stolen food without replacing it by the next business day. I’ve ruined stereo equipment (accidentally) and desecrated the couch with mystery fluids. I’ve allowed the butter to develop into a bacterial colony. Fortunately, I have had roommates who offer up gentle correction when these things happen. They’ve taught me a lot!
As iron sharpens iron, even the crappiest roommate situation can refine you into a better roommate. Because the protracted roommate scenario goes on for so many, many years, it is possible to become the best roommate ever. Use this time to reflect on your own disgusting habits and regressive coping mechanisms.
Here is what I learned after a decade of living with a colorful array of engineers, sociopaths, hippies, grifters, musicians, activists, bar sluts and slobs.
Aaron: He had a revolving door of nubile girlfriends who he would seduce using a curious combination of method acting and ‘Burning Man Community’ references. I remember him plotting a breakup while sitting cross-legged, surrounded by recumbent bicycle parts and eating mueslix.
“I mean… I like her,” he mused, as soymilk dribbled down his chin and onto his unitard. “But she’s just too…I don’t know. Quirky.”
What I learned: Confidence is Everything
Sarah: She stomped around like a team of Anheuser-Busch Clydesdales. She had a chinchilla named Batman that she neglected because she was constantly holed up in her bedroom having loud BDSM sex with her flimsy boyfriend. Sleep was impossible unless you could squeeze it in after her trumpet practicing and before the flogging (or whatever that sound was).
What I learned: Chinchillas take dust baths/walk softly
Julie: She had a pile of greasy dreadlocks and wild conspiracy theories about everything. These hysterical accusations usually came on the tail end of a nitrous bender. She would proselytize in her annoying hippie way about my emotional state, blaming my moodiness on unbalanced chakras. According to her, this could be remedied through a two-tiered approach of sleeping next to amethyst stones and whippets.
What I learned: Just Say No
York U Students: I lived with a group of students who, during a prolonged TA strike, descended into constant crystal meth use. The apartment became a raging after-hours, littered with cigarettes butts and diet coke and rave fliers. Random tweakers would stride purposefully around the house, habitually sorting milk crates and screaming if you dared to open the curtains during daylight hours. I witnessed first-hand the upsides (easy weight loss!) and downsides (easy tooth loss!)
What I learned: Just Say No – Part Two
Derek: He’d go to bed at 2 am, rise at 6 am, and work all day as an engineer. When he wasn’t practicing to be a concert pianist or playing soccer, he would be cooking enormous gourmet dinners. He spoke like a million languages and was basically the nicest person in the world.
What I learned: I’m friggin’ lazy. Must try harder.
Mark: He once left the house, shattering a large mirror in the vestibule. He wrote us a note: The mirror fell and broke. Because I fell on it. I’ll clean it up later when I get back from the bar and I’m drunker. That’s probably the best time.
Lesson learned: Be hilarious and you can pretty much do whatever you want
Mark 2: This guy was looking after his ex-girlfriend’s house until she returned from Morocco with her new husband. He was severely depressed by this and by his shitty day job, which was driving around costume supplies all day in a cube van without air conditioning. To distract himself from his lot, he would conjure all sorts of fun activities to lighten his spirits. He’d put on a gorilla costume and sit on the front porch at Bloor and Lansdowne, growling occasionally at passing crackheads. Once we went for out for fancy dinner, pretending to be on a romantic date. We feigned getting into a massive argument, whereupon I stormed out in ‘tears’ and he followed shortly after, stiffing the bill (no worries, karma has gotten me back for that one).
Lesson: Make the best out of every situation
Jen: A law student who smoked a ton of weed and railed against the other U of T law students who wore shirts saying. “Your Problems are our Porsches.” She had a big heart and would greet guests with an effusive “You’re here! What a magnificent treat!”
Lesson: Some lawyers are alright!
Kay: Kay was a beleaguered, self-proclaimed ‘children’s entertainer’ of mysterious origin. She would binge nightly on a slurry of rice, oatmeal and raw egg yolks. She would pour the yolks into a large juice carafe and leave the empty shells in the fridge, each labeled with her first initial. She paid her rent only once and when we hassled her for the rest she accused us of trying to turn her into a ‘lupus sacrifice’ (whatever that is) and threatened to sue us. She made some strange remarks insinuating that the Chinese government was mass distributing BBQ sauce to their citizenry as a condiment for when they “eat their own children”. She eventually had to be removed by the police, along with an emaciated rabbit she had been holing up in her room.
Lesson: PRE-SCREEN EVERYONE IN GREAT DETAIL
My brother: Being the younger, brighter sibling, my brother would wisely curtail my erratic behavior when necessary. Should I tell off my boss? Midnight swim in the foul St. Mary’s River? Dare myself to eat a paintball? “I don’t think that’s a good idea, Tiffany,” he’d intone, gravely. He always had my best interests in mind — fortunately so, because I rarely do.
Lesson: Paintballs taste better going down.
*most names changed
—
Tiffy Thompson is a writer and illustrator and perpetual renter. Follow her on Twitter at @tiffyjthompson
For more, follow us on Twitter at @TorontoStandard and subscribe to our newsletter.
