My mother in London still has a commemorative wedding teaspoon from 1981 when Charles and Diana were married, but the eggcup broke a long time ago. I know she wouldn’t have bought anything from the 1986 wedding between Prince Andrew and the one she calls the ‘Ginger Winger’, but this year my dear ma-ma has managed to buy some Kate and William Royal Wedding biscuits, so that she can feed them to herself, my father and General Gordon (the family terrier), whilst the wedding is unfolding live. I don’t expect effective digestion from any of these baked comestibles, since the shortcakes are covered in thick sickly icing and choke-worthy golden sprinkles. “I just liked the tin,” she admitted. Well I’m glad she hasn’t fallen for some of the other wedding tat that is flogged on the Internet in the lead up to the big day. There are some humdingers this time around, shamelessly flogged in the age of anything goes. 
For the truly insane there is a General Electric fully laminated Royal Wedding Fridge, with a photo portrait plastic skin of Kate and Wills applied to the front. That should attract dribbles and muck for years to come, and make a handy place to store one’s Royal Pizza before assemblage. Yes, Papa John’s UK has jumped on the bandwagon of turning every imaginable product into a Royal Wedding object, by promoting its Prince William and Kate Middleton Royal Wedding Pizza, which looks more like half-digested colorful vomit. 
You might like to serve that pizza on a commemorative plate, then brew a cup of tea with wedding tea bags poured into a Wills and Kate mug – just in time to sit down as the happy couple shuffle up the aisle. If there’s a lull in the proceedings you could break out the Royal Wedding Lego or knit your own Royal Family to pass the time. In case that pizza comes back up it’s advisable to have your William and Kate Royal Wedding sick bags at hand. And lest you be overcome by wedding nerves, quaff a few Kiss Me Kate commemorative beers and splash on some of the official wedding scent for him and her, concocted by German perfumer Kim Weisswange. If all that goes well, and you really feel like enacting a wedding night of your own, behave responsibly with the benefit of a Crown Jewel Royal Wedding Condom. Safe sex is no joke, even on a happy, go lucky day such as this. 
