What to do. If something’s bothering you and you don’t know who to turn to for advice, think of Kirk. In our weekly advice column, Kirk Heron will address your concerns (100% anonymously).
I live in a garage on an alleyway. The city says I can’t. Something about zoning, or the alleyway not being an official street. Also there was some talk about the extension cord I’m running everything on. How do I get around this, as I can’t afford to live anywhere else.
Hi, Rodent. Uggggh…
What else am I supposed to say? You’ve just sent me into a daymare as I picture meeting you in real life. Let me know if I’ve hit the nail on the head with my prediction of who you are: You are as gangly as an apple tree in the winter. Your hair is almost always unkempt and dirty, because the hose water that you use to wash yourself with doesn’t work properly without soap. Your one flannel shirt lost its pocket a few months ago, and your boots no longer have laces, yet you continue to walk through the streets as if nothing is wrong. You’ve always got this irritating sneer on your face, especially pronounced when you hear someone talking about their job. You hate luxury cars soooo much.
It seems you aren’t a great listener, either. You say the City said “something about zoning.” Were you listening to Operation Ivy in headphones during the conversation, or did you just choose to ignore what the “something” was? Sometimes the City enforces its zoning laws, which is to be expected, and for ambitious people who are trying to open restaurants or retail outlets, that can be a real drag. But the big ticket issue for you, Rodent, is that you live in a garage.
Where do you go to the bathroom? I know it’s weird, but I have never been in a garage that has a toilet in it, and to even think of one with a shower makes my head spin. Is the garage insulated? They usually aren’t! Gee whiz.
You also mentioned that there was some talk about the extension cord you are running everything on. Safety talk, I presume. The kind of talk that stems from a genuine concern of a risk of death. If you’ve ever watched a movie — maybe one starring Rodney Dangerfield — extension cords with lots of plugs attached to them tend to start fires. Fires can burn people!
My advice to you, Rodent, is to open any future conversations you have with, “I live in a garage…” and see where that leads you.
Kirk Heron is Toronto Standard‘s advice columnist. Follow him on Twitter at @ohnowhattodo.
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