Image: Flickr, craig1black

What to do. If something’s bothering you and you don’t know who to turn to for advice, think of Kirk, and turn to him in our question forum. In his weekly advice column, Kirk Heron addresses your concerns (100% annonymously). 

Basically, my predicament is as follows: Every time I start to feel some sense of common decency, I go and read an online comment board and re-realize just how big the problem is. I’m wondering what I, a lowly receptionist, can do to combat this global issue.

So, El Dorado, you say that your search for common decency hinges on internet comment boards. Do you also look for meat in the produce section at the grocery store? How about philosophical conversations at a Tim Horton’s? Well, I’ve witnessed the latter once, but it was a man talking to a doughnut. I suppose that doesn’t count. But wait, maybe it does! After all, internet comment board chatter is basically the equivalent of a man talking to a doughnut at a Tim Horton’s.

I don’t need statistics to talk about this, though they would clearly prove that anonymous internet anger has increased millionfold in the last twenty or so years.I don’t need statistics because I experienced the dawn of the internet, and I can tell you that all of that BBS stuff that involved slaying a red dragon with text is peanuts compared to the real monster that started it all: chat rooms. The evolution of comment boards as we know them, that inane internet battleground upon which the eternal flame war is being waged, all started with chat rooms. Most of the original internet users began their inevitable trolling careers in chat rooms, which have since evolved into comment boards. Now every single person in the world with computer access can create a false identity — the tough, pseudo-intellectual comeback master that they’ve always wanted to be. I could be an Iranian terrorist with ties to Argentinian royalty (Argentina doesn’t have royals, but who cares, right? I’m on the the internet)!

When I first started posting on comment boards, I thought it was hilarious to make people angry. Now, I am an adult, and I know that going out of my way to make people angry for no reason is stupid. The internet, however, is still full of teenagers. The biggest problem with teenagers is that they are the most irritating people in the world, and they will be around forever. El Dorado, you need to stop reading message boards.

I could suggest you start a blog that targets everything you hate about the internet, but someone malicious will find it. That is what these people do, and they will never stop. If you don’t stop giving in to them, you will end up joining their ranks.

Here’s a little evolutionary time-line of one imagined user that just couldn’t stop reading comment boards:

L.O.R.D.666: I have rested my legs and gambled with the locals at the Dark Cloak Tavern in the forest.

Dragonslayer877: O.K. I’ve killed the dragon, now what do I do?

Dragonslayer69: Legend of the Red Dragon is far superior to Legend of the Green Dragon, you fool.

DragonLayer420: If you’re that stupid, why haven’t you killed yourself yet, noob? U noob.

Chicklayer420: brb gotta step out back and smoke a fattttttttty.

Weedm@n_69: I got laid last night so STFU.

Sexfreak: I don’t care you’re dumb.. just shut up and kill yourself now.

Sexyweedsmoker: You noob! Haters gon hate! Every day I’m shufflin’. Shut up, GTFO. Cya.

[wufoo username=”torontostandard” formhash=”z7x3k1″ autoresize=”true” height=”456″ header=”show”]

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Kirk Heron is Toronto Standard‘s advice columnist. Follow him on Twitter at @ohnowhattodo. 

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