I recently caught a co-worker stealing at work. Not a huge deal in my mind because it was such a small item, so I said nothing. But soon after I found out from some other co-workers that they’ve also caught this same person stealing a few things before. I want to say something, but I’m not the boss, so I feel like it might be a bit inappropriate to do so. So my other option is to tell my boss, but I’m worried that this will mean my co-worker will be terminated. Plus I steal all the time, so it really feels like a double standard, or something like that.
Hello, this is Gene McDonald, your resident science fiction expert. Featured this week on the Dork Channel’s sci-fi feature is the critically acclaimed Terata II: Working Class Hero, in which we find our hero Terata facing yet another work-related problem! In this genius’ opinion, Terata II is superior to its predecessor in every way, especially the emotional development of the title character as he deals with a shoplifting co-worker. A more grievous crime cannot be imagined. Let’s sit back, grab a bag of potato chips, two chocolate bars, a two-litre bottle of Dr. Pepper, and enjoy the film.
“I am Terata. Half cyborg, half robot: all hero. I am a mix of “The Terminator”, a character from Terminator 2: Judgement Day; a film wherein Arnold Schwarzenegger reprises his role of “The Terminator”, sent back to prevent a termination rather than facilitate one, and “Data” from Star Trek: The Next Generation, on one of the few occasions that he experiences the installation of an emotion chip to his positronic net. Full disclosure of this character theft will prevent any future lawsuits.”
“Oh no, I have just witnessed one of my co-workers engaging in theft. My memory banks indicate this person has stolen before. Scanning… Though this emotion chip has left me in a constant state of depression due to my being the only cyborg in the world that is employed in retail, I must carry on with and air of civility and continue to make educated decision. Scanning… Is it morally wrong to steal? My innocence was stolen from me with the installation of this evil emotion chip, but I suppose I have no control over such things.”
“According to my memory banks, I have stolen before. Calculations must be made to ascertain where my loyalties lie. Why did I steal?”
“Calculations complete: I do not respect my place of employment. When I worked in the world-renowned genius Dr. Heron’s lab, I did not steal from him, nor did I ever feel the urge to. I do miss Dr. Heron. Why did Dr. Heron have to ski so dangerously down the mountain of life? Scanning…”
“Do I enjoy the company of this thieving co-worker? Scanning… He is OK, as far as co-workers go. I mean, I wouldn’t want to hang out with him outside of work, but he’s an OK guy, I guess. Calculating…calculating… the best approach has been calculated. Speech mode engaged: Good afternoon, thieving co-worker. I am speaking to you now to let you know that your thieving has not gone unnoticed. According to my calculations, it is good to be well-known, but it is not ideal to be well-known for being a thief. I must inform you that it is illegal to steal, and therefore your best approach would be one of what you humans refer to as ‘low key’. Your position here is in jeopardy, so may I suggest that you stop taking things? I do not mind working with you, even though your sense of humour is child-like. I remember working for Dr. Heron…”
“Warning: Emotion Chip overload…Bleep blorp fiz… shutting down forever.”
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Kirk Heron is Toronto Standard‘s advice columnist. Follow him on Twitter at @ohnowhattodo.
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